Blue Footed Boobies

Did you know that whale dicks are 10 feet tall?! Jeezus! That means I'm a little over half a penis. That is one large penis. This is irregular....I thought one would be 4 or 5 feet, guess not. AND THIS IS AN OUTRAGE, FELLOW CITIZENS! MY PENIS LENGTH HAS BEEN BEATEN BY A COMMON MAMMAL! I am NO mammal! I am actually an arthropod. Whatever that is. So apparently about 8 or so whale dorks could fit in a football field. Who knew! Since we are on the pleasant topic on dicks, I would like to state that I can get myself pregnant. It's actually very simple, kids. You see, I actually have a vagina and a dick. Which means.......it's a fusion of asexual but actually sexual reproduction! Isn't that mind blowing? Okay, this is apparently what an arthropod is. I could've said worse. Like explosive diarrhea worse.

Okay, first topic of the day......lederhosen. I know, other UGLIER kinds of clothing are being brought back but come on! Lederhosen is a classic! Yum, those leather overalls/short shorts are quite the turn on. Don't save it for Oktoberfest....why not flaunt it? Lederhosen could be the new big thing...Glow in the dark lederhosen, leopard print lederhosen, see through lederhosen for all you hot sluts out there, and lederhosen swim wear. Oh baby baby. I would be such a great lederhosen designer, just churnin' them designs out for all those thick n' creamy boy choirs in Germany, mrrow. That reminds me of the time I saw the Arizona Boys Choir, and how they changed outfits like 5 times..sparkly pastel tuxes, sparkly vivid vests, red tuxes, and BAM! Those middle eastern headdress things. Me, as a naive, innocent, choir fraulein I got my panties tied in a knot. Mrrow! Take a chance to take a nice, long stare at this hunky hunk of a man and his bun hugging lederhosen.

I would also like to reinforce knowledge on Japanese toilets. Those things are creepy, especially the ones that are sumo faces that yodel and touch your knees while you're taking a shat. I think the purpose of those things are to MAKE you shit in the toilet or to cover up all the delicious noises that are going on. Oh god. Those things are like something that would come out of Silent Hill. Personally, I think I would cry and scream if those things got close to me and would jump into the next stall and jump into a person who's taking a dump's lap. And that would be awkward, unnecessarily intimate, AND gross. What if we both fell into the toilet? Yup.This is a small glimpse of what will knee rape you and push you off your damn toilet seat in the Shinjuku district. HOW WILL I POOP WITHOUT SINGING THE ABC'S AND GETTING REALLY SCARED BY SOMEONE ELSE'S YODELING?!

Last but ohohoho definitely no the least, I would like to address my opinion on suits made out of bacon and bras out made out of bacon. Why? It's like wearing flesh all over your body. No, you actually are wearing flesh on you're body. It's sick. It's lardy. And bacon bras? You will get no support in thinly sliced smoked meat! If you want dogs or redneck men to rape you, go on. And, who would like bacon to cover their privates? That would be gross and unsanitary! I am never looking at bacon in the same way again, but I'm still going to eat it, because it is really good. *cue the ode to bacon *And of course, an Asian couple woud have this for their wedding picture. Look at that cheongasmic cheongsam. If I ever do get married, notice the "ever do", I will most definitely replicate this picture, except I shall be the one lying sultrily on the stone bench in a bacon tux.

I'm going to eat pickles and peanut butter now, so sayonara, beetches.