MOVIES YAY YAY YAY!

SHIT. I left my computer on and the post I was starting on got deleted :( So so so movies I've recently watched are Lost In Translation and 500 Days Of Summer. So here are some takes on the movies!
500 Days Of Summer was adorable but also gloriously blunt and bittersweet...the way I like my movies. Like in Life Is Beautiful when Guido died BUT Giosue and Dora survived. Yes. Yes. I loved, weirdly, analyzing it (humanities has gotten to my head) and I loved the last part where they contrasted his dreams with reality with the two panels. It made me realize how harsh reality can be..which sucks. I never really was into Zooey Deschanel however Joseph Gordon Levitt gave me a love explosion and convinced me somehow that she was in fact the most beautiful woman in the world. JGL is great. He can pull off anything. Including my bra. Just kidding. But anyways this is seriously a movie I would direct. From casting..to everything that happens. I loved movies with girls as the sort of antagonist and guys all hilariously moody. It's a nice contrast. I also loved their date in IKEA with the Chinese family watching them get all freakaay and the sequence when JGL looked in the mirror and his reflection was James Dean and he skipped and there was a marching band..yummy. The narrating was amazing too, and also I thought it was hilarious when they watched a shower porno and reenacted it and pretty much broke the shower. Gives me ideas. My loins are burning with lust. Hoho. That movie was pretty much me in a nutshell, however in my movie someone would've probably died from a pancreas seizure.
Next in line is the lovely and much anticipated Lost In Translation. Bill Murray has this weird, old mannish deadpan humor which I guess, makes him kind of awkward and likeable. I've always had a strange girlcrush on Scarlett Johansson..SHE HAS AN AMAZING NAME but anyways she has her moments...but a lot of the time she can act like maybe a prettier version of Kristen Stewart. Sometimes she even sounds like her. But of course she's very talented. I don't exactly know why this movie blew me away. Honestly, it wasn't too amazing. It was missing elements to a great movie and it was a little slow pace but the drama really built up I guess behind the scenes. I loved the extensive Japanglish and that really weird Japanese talk show with the super fruity guy that Bob (Bill Murray) went on and it showed all the cultural barriers and other things people have to get used to while being in a different country. Somehow, being Asian, I really expected it. This is a movie I'd watch with anyone.......besides the topless asian strip clup scene.....it was kind of creepy.....cough super pointy nipples.. That comment will probably encourage many people to watch it ;P Anyways, I understand why this won so many awards. It probably inspired the guailou.

I'm done! Hopefully no one was too bored.
I'm going to wath Little Miss Sunshine and the Runaways Movie next..hopefully the Runaways Movie won't entirely butcher my dreams. Ugh. It already pissed me off that KSTEW and Dakota Fanning were in it. Nope.

Holy Fuck It's Been A LONG TIME

Oh shit. I really haven't taken this blogging stuff seriously but oh well. No one really reads this anyways....I'm going to save this blog for when my kids grow up to be perverted (yeah if they came out of MY cooch there's no doubt for that to happen) and they may appreciate my writings or they'll be like MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWM WHY R U LYK SO EMBURRSING UGHH LYK WOWWW. Anyways.....it's MLK day. He is arguably the most perfect man. I should be out hugging black people but unfortunately I am drooling at delicious shoes made by the delicious Jeffrey Campbell. This shall be mentioned in the next post. Also I'm seeing BOBBY NEXT MONTH AT BALBOA PARK OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. I'm going to throw my bra at him. Probably not because he's like.....70 so maybe I'll just ask him to sign my bobby shirt that was once my pops. Also who would play you in a movie, what would the movie be called, who would be your love interest, and who would be your faithful sidekick? For me it would be Nicolas Cage in his "cough sexy" days as he bleaches his skin yellow, Morgan Freeman as my love interest, my sidekick(s)? would be Whoopi Goldberg OR Uncle Joey from full house, Lana Del Rey/Dita Von teese/Carrot Top would be my hooker, and the movie would be called "IMNOTEASY: A biopic" or "The trees are silent. They pretend not to notice. That I am pooping."
Anyways my cooch hurts and I'm going to stop now and blog about my obsession.

Aqueous Martinis and Other Things That Have To Do With H20

While there's like 2 more weeks of summer, I have only just begun to do things summery, such as swimming. Thankfully I don't have to do swim team, and I have some rather scary and heartwarming and disturbing stories from the time I was at Miramar and Mt. Carmel. I didn't really have any strange stories from Mt. Carmel, only that Adam Siegel is a terrible swimmer and Nathan Siegel is a lot worse. My 6th grade body rocked them till Canada Day. I remember Austin/Anand Marshall was on my swim team at Miramar College and he always hung out with this small wannabe scene girl who wore waterproof eyeliner. They got married with plastic rings and Lyu Pentov's little brother was their child. Then he talked about tanning his thighs for speedo season and that made me change my mind that he was becoming straight again. I also remember at a swim meet I bonked my ear on the wall doing backstroke but I got 2nd anyways. OH YEAH. I also remember having major crotch cramps (cameltoe causing swimsuit) and back tans and goggle tans. My hair also hurt because of the swim cap. Those sucked. My swimsuit looked like this and the tan lines were not pretty. I remember when I took my ID card picture in sixth grade, I had a raccoonish goggle tan and really bleachy brown hair. So why did I quit swim team? One day this chick grabbed my ankle because she wanted to pass me so she ended up like choking me. Then I went completely apeshit and forced my mom to let me quit. Now I swim solo and work out my Chun Li thighs. Of course I would get good at the strokes that people don't really care about, e.g backstroke and breaststroke. Of course I'd get good at breaststroke. Schwingggg. Did you know that doing the dolphin kick for butterfly is pretty much humping the water? I didn't notice that until a year ago.
Out of all of the pools I've swam in, Miramar College is the best, even though they may have bitchy life guards. Who cares if the kid runs on deck? When they fall and break a limb, they'll know right from wrong. Just kidding. Safety first. Use protection. The Miramar/Ned Baumer pool also has a wide assortment of sultry old men in speedos. I also saw a lady with a huge butt and cottage cheesy thighs. It was weird cause her face looked normal but then BAM.
Mt. Carmel has a nice pool too but I DON'T SEE THEM HAVING A BIG YELLOW SLIDE LIKE MIRAMAR COLLEGE'S. When I saw the "big yellow slide", I thought of a euphemism for my penis. LOL.
Westview has a good pool even though it's always kind of cold and every time I swim in it now I think of the fish being thrown in it on the second to last day of school. When I swam in it on Friday it smelled like seafood
which made me shudder.
Lastly there's the good ole YMCA. They suck. And that's it. Diarrhea splotches at the bottom of the pool and crusty band aids.
Is it embarrassing that I wanted to be a merman? Not mermaid, MERMAN. I somehow felt like mermen were 2384923 times hotter than mermaids with their creamy pectorali and ovalesque neepoes. Don't forget the Fabio hair. Question of the day....do mermaids have vaginas? That is up to you all to find out.
When I swim in a pool I think about how kids pee in it and wonder what would happen if there was no chlorine in the pool. I'd be swimmin' in urine! And I'd blend in, but that's besides the point.
I'm sort of done talking about pools since they're slightly boring. So here's the poop joke(s) of the day!
Turtle Poop: The kind of poop that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finally comes out.
Here's a fart joke. Hoho. Beefy fart: Sounds loud, and will smell a bit like the rotting offspring of a BSE infected cow and a dog turd.
So there ya have it!

The Fashion Edition aka I Love a Man In Uniform ( Or TURTLENECK.)

Thanks, Justin. Paving the way for men to wear turtlenecks.

I like men in turtlenecks. Is that wrong? I hope not. If I saw Alf or Brandon in a turtleneck I'd probably laugh and throw up. I guess all kinds of turtlenecks are preferable, but I think beige soft ones are insanely orgasmic. Seeing a guy in a turtleneck makes my panties drop to the floor in an instant. To me, turtlenecks just scream "I'm a masculine hunk who's not afraid to show off me prominent nipples, gorgeous personality, dangerous curves, AND my knowledge of quality fabric!" Basically if you want me to get you pregnant, wear a beige/cream cashmere turtleneck and play dubstep. I don't exactly like dubstep, but it reminds me of robot intercourse and really REALLY makes me want to hump everything in my sight. I swear, my crotch starts tingling and it is my instinct to knock someone down to the floor and yell "YOU LIKE THAT, BITTTTCHHHHHHH?!!!!" while they beg with mercy as I tie them up and take out the handcu-Wait what? Back to the turtleneck story. *wipes off crusted drool at corner of mouth* As well as turtlenecks, I enjoy a man who wears flannel, long johns, vegan footwear, and wife beaters. You could say that this man is a representation of me when I fly through the dubstep humpty dumpty phrase, and you could say that I would let this man fondle my body. Just because he's wearing a wife beater.
Meeeee-yow. I also like sweater vests with argyle patterns and ANYTHING pleather on a man. Pleater is patent leather. Which technically is fake and slutty leather. That technically means that I love a man who looks nice in hooker heels. Luckily, that's true!This isn't pleather, but I'd tap anything in these heels. I'd probably throw in a few 100's in the heels.
I also like a man in uniform, so you can probably assume that I want to rape everyone during marching season, which I do. If an array of people wear these sultry clothing articles to school one day, I'll presume it is my birthday and be surprised that people actually REMEMBERED and I'll get the biggest girl boner ever. Damn. I'd drop to the floor.
Does anyone else look at patterns and think about what kind of people they represent? I think I'm the only one who does that, but then again I'm a special case. To me, houndstooth reminds me of posh gay guys with a lisp that wear purple fedoras and cherry red zoot suits.
Polka dots remind me of the life cycle of a girl. When you have multicolored ones, you're a toddler. When you have immense ones (lol boob reference), you're in kindergarten! When you have black polka dots against a salmon color, you're a teenager! When you have black and white ones you're either a classy adult or a grandma. And so on.
Paisley reminds me of girls who dress like the girls from "Little House On the Prairie."
Tartan aka plaid reminds me of Christmas, stereotypical schoolgirls, and Scottish terriers.
Argyle reminds me of yuppies, nerds, and Ezra Koenig.
Stripes remind me of barbershop quartets.
Leopard print reminds me of your average MILF.
Zebra print reminds me of sluts. No offense to you conservative girls who like zebra print, it's just that they remind me of ickle tartlets. I remember when I kind of liked zebra print...
Checkers remind me of Buddy Holly and cheesy people that I'd get along with, and so on.

So here's the boring part of our arousing discussion. Isn't it kind of strange where you could just point to one person and just label their style with one word?..or maybe 2 or 3.. When I think of Sierra, I think of the average teenage girl. Cough, that may be helped with the Justin Bieber shirt. When I think of Abby, I think of the other portion of teenage girls. Maddi reminds me of the typical girl from California (though she lived part of her life in Oregon...;P). Lizzi dresses like an 80's hunk slash Saved By the Bell woman. But not all the time. Which is like me. I guess you can't really define me, and I like that. Who knows when I'm going to wear kilts and crocs. Who knows if I'm going to come to school in a sweater vest and pleather trousers? NO ONE. I remember I wore a dress in 8th grade once and people were like GREAT BALLS OF FIRE! Not in exclamation, but actually at my...never mind.MARRY ME KELLY KAPOWSKI.

Something random that I'd like to mention is probably what the majority of what y'all are thinking about. Creamed corn? No. BOOBS. I recently watched the Jennamarbles post on how to make your boobs bigger. Wearing 2 bras DO help. It's weird. Not that do want my boobs bigger because apparently the reason why I'm almost always hunched over is that I slightly try to hide them. My doctor said that. He's a guy. Now I'm scared. Or maybe their weight is pulling my body down. Never mind. However, putting bronzing powder on them doesn't work. It looks like you have a dirty bosom, and what if you get boob sweat and it runs all over the place? If you have very tight cleavage, I'm pretty sure it gets pretty damp between those sweater puppies cause of all of the friction. So I guess what I'm TRYING to say is....flaunt those boobs. Wait, no. We don't want a world of sluts here. If you have small boobs and want big boobs (not sure why you would) wear 2 bras. Jennamarbles knows best, cause she's the stripper with a master's degree.If all fails, you always have the F-cup cookie. <3

Hand Sanitizer Part Dos and Why I'm NEVER Getting a Mammogram.

Something that all men/horny teenage boys wish they had. But.....it won't work. Unless you're a d-list whore. THAT'S ME! Just kidding.
If I don't teach Chinese or pursue other careers and become duh doctah, I'm really gonna invent this and make it mandatory for men so they can SUFFER.

So I forgot to mention the feelings that these 2 tiny bottles I've used this year have expressed! Oh yes. The first scent I used was called Island Nectar. How exotic. It was VERY exotic. In fact, it sort of did express new things, new EXOTIC things. In that case exotic doesn't really fit but it slightly ties in. I don't know. The smell was super cheerful and nice and also really EXOTIC like mentioned before so it kind of symbolized being new and freshmany and getting to know people that I slightly didn't want to get to know in the beginning but it was actually amazing getting to know them. Damn that was a long sentence.And it also represents getting to know and growing closer to Nic, even though I pretty much barely knew he existed before...August, even though I remember him trying on something spandexy a while back. How EXOTIC. I'm....going to stop saying exotic. It also represented getting used to change and also moving on. Aka dumping the deuce, if it makes anything clearer. Dumping the deuce sounds like a term to express someone making a bowel movement. Aheehur. The next scent wasn't very prominent. Everyone wears it so it just reminded me of nothing really. It's that Japanese Cherry Blossom crap that makes you smell like a hooker. I just remembered me dumping gobs of it onto my hands just to get rid of it so I could buy more pleasant smelling ones. But....it's still here and in my closet somewhere so I'm just going to forget about it and use the one that smells like a cinnamon bun. Yum.
So the next part is about MAMMOGRAMS. Mammograms are rather scary. I would hate getting checked out by a gynecologist and getting a mammogram. I also hope there aren't any male gynecologists out there because that's just wrong. Unless they were gay, than that'd be alright. I'd be pretty sad having a straight male look up my cooter. But mammograms.....oh my god. Putting your boobs between two metal slabs and applying.....pressure. Shudder. What if your boobs explode!? My mom told me about mammograms and I grabbed my tits in fear. Also, what does the fricking doctor do if you end up with weird looking boobs.....like they jut out and look smushed? Stupid mammogram..ists. This is why I am going to keep my tits nice and healthy with......lots of sunlight, water, and fertilizer. Nah, I'm actually not sure how you keep your boobs healthy. Maybe you exercise them like those creepy weightlifting butch women so you can move your boobs in different directions. What a turn on. I'm also going to keep my cooter healthy with a lot of awkward exercise. Like.....interpretive dancing and.....the BEND and SNAP. Oh baby.
So I'm guess I'm done with my worrying with mammograms. Hopefully my boobs will not get old and saggy without them.
And....NATALIE TRAN finally posted up a video, even though it may only last 42 seconds long. How am I supposed to love her again when she LEFT ME. What an unhealthy relationship.

Thinking Ahead, That's What Asian Parents Are For

It's been a while. I know. Unlike a web star or super blog personality, I'm not going to say "Errone's been nagging me to post, and I said, may-bayy, may-bay not, that's the funnnnn!" BUT....My parents HAVE been nagging me about college, BUT a pro in that is that I've been searching up good colleges that I'd consider going to in 3 years. If this year passed by super quickly, the 3 left will too. And I better hold on tight....to my penor, that is. It might get lost in time. Or make nice with a black hole when it gets lost in time. But, here are the choices I have conjured up or have considered for a while.

1. UCSD (Close to home.....though that may not be the BEST idea..haha)
2. UCLA (The school erryone wants to go to. I love the area it's in but damn. LA is a huge ghetto.)
3. UCSF (San Francisco is such a bitchin' city. From the 4 times I've been there....it's amazing. UCSF also is a medical school which is something my parents encourage and I also am kind of interested in health science. And if I want to pursue my music, I can do that for fun. It won't be hard getting my hands (oh babababy) on great music. )
4. UWash. (Is in Seattle. Another awesome city. UWash has a really pretty campus and has such a wide variety of classes to take. Plus it's close to Canada, aka HEAVEN. Except not really. But pretty close.)
5. UCIrvine. (Close to home, full of Asians...though Irvine is sort of a boring place.)
6. UVic....(Mmm in Canada. In Victoria. FILLED WITH BUNNIES. )
My mom says I may not go to "out of the country" schools unless I get a scholarship.

I also have no idea what I'm going to do when I grow up. Oh well. I think.
But I realllllly want to go to UCSF.
Like I said......it's been a while.

Milky Moobies.

When I hear the word: sexcrazedoldcreepymofos, I automatically think of.....Ni-just kidding. I think of the BEACH BOYS. Sure, they may be legend...ary in the world of rock and roll but are you kidding me! They were overgrown Justin Biebery middle aged men that sang about cars, women, the beach, and women. Sure, I do have a wave of nostalgia flood over me as I listen to their Endless Summer CD but WHEN DO I DO THAT?! NEVERRR! You see, the Beatles sang about the same things....pretty much.....like women and drivin' cars and all that jazz, but they got more creative and sang about LSD infused walruses, digging ponies, and strawberry fields...forever. Also, no one knows the names of the members! John, Paul, George, and Ringo can distinctly stick out in a person's mind. Here's a little song I wrote that is in the essence of a beach boys songLook at those Hawaiian shirt donning hunks! Ahhh yeah.

*cough* AND IT BEGINS!
"Today I saw a sultry girl!
Her hair was in....curls?
I saw her at the beach in a bikini
I'm pretty sure she had a wieeeenie
WAAOOOOooooh WA WA OOOO
Trannies at the beach in the sand
Oh whoa when I see them THERE GOES MY SWEAT GUH-LAAAND!
Waa oooohhhh wa wa Oooooh "
I could go on. But I won't.
That's my rant on the Beachie Beach Boys.
Now I must change topics to Adele. This woman is totally rad. She has ginger biscuit hair and her CD is perfect for all women that have gone through a bad breakup. I wish she could stand at the foot of my bed and sing me to sleep. She has more class than Amy Winehouse. Since we're talking about singing, I shall discuss my chops. I am not a very skilled singer. I can sing......boy choir repetoire and I can sound decent if I sing a little below a whisper. If I sing above that, I sound positively terrible. I'm on key....but I suck. The only talent I really have that involves vocals is that I'm pretty good at singing foreign ranguage songs. I can master pronunciations for my K pop songs. Oohhhhhhh yeah.This was me in sixth grade.

Now I'm going to switch gears to Christopher Walken and William Shatner. These two men need a duet together. I saw this video of Christopher Walken and he was reading Poker Face.....I loved his interpretation of her Ohhh Wuh Ohh oh oh part. It sounded like a bored orgasm. And William Shatner....what a hunk!!!!!! WHO WOULDN'T WANT A DUET WITH THIS CANADIAN HUNK! Oh god and what if George Takei joined in for a trio......not for sex, fucking sicko.
Well, that was short. Since I'm running low on ideas...I'm going to talk about my elementary school teachers and I will give them accurate descriptions and I will try to guess about their personal lives.
Kindergarten: Shawni Henderson. She was pretty nice and inneresting. I think that she could be on Real Housewives of.....you pick. She seemed very mommyish and botoxy.
First Grade: Holmberg......FLARHGHHH what a megabitch. I'm pretty sure she was a stripper in her previous years of life. I think she possibly had a relationship with a Hugh Hefner imposter and then she found out he was a fake so she decided to impose her communistic ideas on innocent little first graders. Yup.
2nd grade: Ray O'Malley: An awesome partially bald middle aged man who could probably be an actor. I'm pretty sure he could've been in Dr. Who. He enjoyed writing science songs related to Simon and Garfunkel songs and every week he would come in dressed as a distant cousin of his...Mr O'my. Or O'MAI! or....I don't know.
3rd grade: Dave Parker. THE BEST FUCKING TEACHER THAT EVER LIVED. He constantly let us throw softballs at the speakers, let us watch game shows, and made up awesome raps about multiplication. He made multiplication seem badass and that has been my favorite math related thing ever. He also puts on great plays about dental health and is great at casting.....oh Lucas as a bailiff. Or whatever. We also pranked other classrooms and piled their chairs in front of the doors. What a megapimp with his khaki shorts, running shoes, fancy ties, and curly mullet. I'm pretty sure Mr. Parker was Jesus. Yup.
4th Grade: Dennis Servetter. He was a strict yet badass Jew with an earring and paragliding skills. I didn't exactly enjoy him but I did enjoy his knowledge on making them tater latkes. I'm guessing that in the old country, he was aquaintances with Adam Sandler and they went to the local synagogue together and had a conjoined barmitzvah.
5th grade: Last but HOHOHO definitely not least is the marvelous John Goodwin. He was a nice ol' white man with a tiny wrist and ankle and did a bunch of limping. He gave us an emotional talk about his disease. We all cried like babies. He also traveled in safaris and he looked like a raunchy young man from Toto. He was a great drawer of conquistadors and cityscapes. He also enjoyed making us recite poems. He is probably the most cultured man I have ever met. I'm pretty sure that he has traveled the world like Phileas Fogg and fought native american warriors with his bare hands. I'm also pretty sure he has had an assortment/army of wives, since he had a long flowing beard and wheaty hair.I think he was a bit more attractive then all of them. Oh well.

IT'S OVER!

RAAAAAAGH

Easter..a day where white people decorate eggs, go to church, explode peeps and stuff. Unfortunately, growing up in an atheist-ish Chinese family, I only got to sort of experience it until I was about 8. I remember when I lived near Adobe Bluffs my neighbor was this SAINTLY white lady and she used to shower me with gifts...that was when I experienced my first easter!! I just remember I had a sugar rush. Now I do nothing really. Well this was really pointless. Ummm......what else should I talk about.Ahee..touchin the ickle lad with his "carrot"

Oh yes! Toilet stories. I would like to say that.....
1) Whenever I take a dump or pee, I have to recite the ABC's. Sometimes in my head. Sometimes out loud. Most likely when I'm constipated. I hope that doesn't creep the crap out of y'all......Haha, crap creeping out of your butt. Haha. Hehe. Hoho.
2) Who hasn't stuck their hand into the toilet?! Don't lie. I mean, not when there's lumps of shit floating around but who didn't play with toilet water when they were 1-5......sort of sad...but true.
3) I HAVE fallen into the toilet. I sort of looked like this kid. I can't now, because my butt is too big.
4) Have you ever opened the top part of the toilet and played with that floaty/douche/black whatever floaty ball? That was redundant, and I'm pretty sure I just made it sound like some sort of sex toy. It's not. I hope.
5) I have flushed many things down the toilet.....beef stew, a smiley face keychain....you name it. Except my pet fish and such......they needed a proper burial.

The only problem I have with a toilet is that ever since I got my sex change, I'm really used to sitting down.....and as a brawny male, I find it hard to go peepee sitting down, my penis gets super squished. I haven't really developed my aiming skills, so errytime I go I miss and have to clean the floor OR I end up peeing on the ceiling. See, it's better sitting down and taking the risk of getting a spontaneous boner and getting squished nuts instead of cleaning my own urine! Buggady buggady buggady!


Whelp, I'm gonna go to an Asian easter uh......brunch. We're prolly going to eat dumplings and all that jazz. Time to put on some pants over my polka dot boy shorts (preferably my weekend mom jean/trousers) put on the hobo jacket I used to wear in middle school, and get cracking. Well that sounded oddly sexual.

The Opera.

OH YEAH. Greer Grimsley has the best evil laugh ever.
Ailyn Perez and Stephen Costello....as Romeo and Juliet. What a steamy young couple.


I may have informed you all that I attended the Opera about....2 weeks ago and tonight. I thought it would kind of suck.......the hall smelling of old ladies and faux fur, butt aches, and boring actors and such.. That facade was not true. The worst thing really was all the annoying coughing and hacking going on. I wanted to ask the elderly gentleman next to me "Are you laying eggs, sir?", but that would not have been the inapropropropropro. Today I watched the opera Faust. Since I REALLY don't want to give a longass synopsis, I shall tell a modern version of it!!
Old ugly smart guy wants to get laid. But he can't get laid. He's old. And ugly. He makes a pact with the devil (GASP) and sells his soul to him to get one wish. He wishes to be hot and young and Brad Pitt-esque. A few days later in the........epicenter of the....uh..city? There is a beerfest of drunken soldiers going to war. Iraq, that is. Just kidding. It didn't take place in Iraq. But I'M MAKING IT MODERN. One of the soldiers has this long spiel about protecting his little sister and it gave me the thought that he wanted to sleep with her and was super territorial. But.....he wasn't. Well, for now. He makes this pre pubescent Justin Biebery youth protect her and he is smitten with her sekahseeness. And I can see why....boobies, of course! Then the dude and devil walk in and the guy is like "Heyyyyyy there tuts! Would you like to 'take my arm?'' He is....rejected. Then there was the intermission! My butt was perfectly fine! I did not get up.
The intermission is done. Yay! Scene 2: There's a garden and the sexy lady's front porch. The JBiebery youth prances around and picks a nubby bouquet of flowers from her OWN damn garden to give to her. Wow. Then he squeals with delight and runs off into the horizon and is like " I MUST PROCLAIM ME LOVE TO HERRR!" then Faust.....we'll call him Fabio.....to make him seem more hunky and "modern" comes in with the devil and sings for 20 minutes about her sexiness. He, being a love-starved sexless greenhorn picks flowers from her OWN garden as well. What the hayull. Then shazaaam! The devil pops out of the well and gives Fabio a box of jewels to leave at her doorstep. She finds them the next day and dies of happiness because well, duh! All girls like shiny things! Fabio seduces her some more. The Devil, in his charming Antonio Banderas form has sex in a bush with some husbandless MILF that is the girl's neighbor. Fabio and his lady lover duet and make out multiple times. Hoho. Then they finally stop sucking face, and Fabio lets his lady lover go to sleep. Then, she sings some more on her balcony and how her vagina is tingling with delight. Just kidding! Then she goes outside in a sheer nightgown (oh bababababy) and Fabio is STILL there, being a lurker. Fabio runs into her house and they probably had wild sex, though they cut it out. But we can most definitely assume that, hohohohoho.
Second intermission! We move down from the awesome balcony to the first floor. Worst idea ever, Dad.
A year later after raucous love making and tired private parts, Fabio suddenly disappears and leaves his lady love, Marguerite. Why? The devil likes to mess around with people and make them seem like niggabitch playboys. Oh, and I will call her Marge. Why? I don't know. She is PREGGO! This is like Juno, sort of, but with more wraths and whatnot. She is weaving at a loom and people snicker at her preggoness. She sig and pines for Fabio, but honey, he ain't coming back. Until laaaater. JBiebs makes another appearance to seduce Marge but she rejects him some more. After that, the soldiers come home! Marge's brother is like "WHAT THE HAYULLL GIRL WHY YOU PREGGERS?" and reveals her stomach to the world. Then Fabio comes along with the devil and Fabio and her brother sword fight. Marge's brother loses. Who knew a dying man could sing so amazingly. He tells Marge basically that..she sucks, is a ho, it's her fault for his death, and that she's soooo damned. Like, totally. Then they change scenes to a church. Marge prays for Fabio and her baby but then the red backlight goes on and Antonio Banderas....I mean, the devil says that she's damned, blah blah blah. He appears in random places and tells her that multiple times. She wails/orgasms.
LAST SCENE: Marge is in jail. Why? She killed her baby. I'm not surprised. The devil, attempting to be nice ish tries to get Fabio to sneak her out. She orgasms at his face and they make out multiple times. Then, Fabio and Marge get into a disagreement. Fabio wants to leave. Marge wants to "stay awhile"......probably to have noisy sex. Then, Fabio's hand spontaneously starts bleeding and Marge is like "EWWWWWWWWW". Then, Anto-I mean the Devil spits fire and drags Fabio to hell. He tries to fight back, but hey, when you've sold your soul to the devil.....you've sold it, biatch! Heavenly light shines on these huge stairs in front of Marge and voices going REBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRTHHHHHHHHH sing and she walks slowly onto the stairs into this vortex of light.
THE END.
I guess that really wasn't that short......but wasn't that riveting?
I made it sound really stupid.....but it was pretty awesome.
I'm sorry for butchering your Opera, San Diego.

PS: I figured out Faust and Marguerite were actually MARRIED in real life. I swear, all of the plays that feature one of them, the other has to be the love interest in the play. Actually, that's kind of cute. I think all that making out in the opera is going to lead to many, many babies due to sex in the bathroom at the after show reception. Well, many, many babies with great singing chops.

I'm going to bed.

101 Super Uses For Tampon Applicators!

Something that is old has been racking my brain. That, my friends is the ignorant blonde mademoiselle from UCLA. Honestly, what I think part of what she is saying kind of makes a point. Unfortunately, I find Asian people jabbering in the library pretty damn annoying. The thing is....she's being ignorant, e.g "TING TONG LING LONG CHING CHONG" and keeps on going "You're in AH-MUHR-ICA! herpderp!" "I'm an Ahmurrkin princesserz!" The other thing is......why must you spew out this video when you're in UCLA?! Really now. I'm not entirely sure how she got admitted but I'll guess she a) seduced whoever runs it or a) seduced whoever who is in charge of grades to giver her a 4.4444444444445 GPA. Though I agree that Asians yakking in the library is irritable, I'm glad UCLA kicked this ho out. At least her and her tits will have new beginnings in the porn industry! Ho hum!

Second of all, I would like to state the magnificentness of the Nyan cat and the Korean Rickroll.
The Nyan cat is unlike no other. It is a small, pixelated gray kitty cat with a pop tart body that is shitting out a rainbow as it soars across a galaxy to catchy music. That's all. And that's the beauty of it. Thank you, Nic. Second is "Itaewon Freedom" aka the Korean Rickroll. This exciting MV includes: poofy 80's haired Korean men prancing around Seoul/Itaewon, hitting on one foxy lady, and pelvic thrusting like no tomorrow. This video was introduced to me by the lovely Simon and Martina, two sekasee hipster Wasians who vlog about Kpop, food, officetels, and their fohawked green doggie.

I also want to rant about shifty Chinese food from shifty Chinese places. Though the food may look a brilliant crimson red color and is served with a bunch of sliced up onions, it very well MAY give you very explosive diarrhea. I swear I almost made a poopty pootaaay during the musical yesterday and smelled like a shitbarn. That didn't make sense, but it did in my brain. All I really have to say is......shifty Chinese food from shifty Chinese places = or maybe even > to shifty Mexican food from shifty Mexican places. And Japanese and Korean food? Nah. Those places are waaaay too sanitary to spill your guts out. Remember kids........if you get served food that resembles a mouse vagina......do- I mean..DON'T eat it. No matter how tempted you are. I've always wanted to know what a mouse vagina tasted like. Just kidding.Awwwww yeeee. Chicken head. Hen head.

Last and.....sort of the least is the marvelous Coachella music festival! A music festival in the boring general location of the boring Palm Springs...wear celebrities and common, unwashed folk breathe the same air, try to look "hipster", and listen and pretend to admire oddball fronted visual-kei bands. I sort of kid the third statement. More like oddball fronted a) adult-alternative b) art-punk c) really bad new wave d) Indie rock e) reggae grunge. I don't know about e, though I find that quite possible. Two things that generally irritate me about Coachella are: 1) The HUGE amount of people trying to dress as cracked out hipsters. They don't wear pants..aka the stds have eaten up their pants and are working on their shirts...ripped up potato sacks, hairbands that poof your hair, ankle converses, ugly rompers, chunky glasses, wilted daisies, tight pants, no pants, don't bathe for days, fedoras, bohemian skirts, nipple high trousers, tube socks, short shorts, fringed leather jackets, anything American Apparel or Urban Outfitters, ugly cardigans, crinkly rompers, salvation army stuff, vintage hearing aids, old marching band uniforms, fanny packs, plaid scarves, etc. Though I like many of these clothing choices and accessories, mostly fanny packs and nipple high trousers (oh bababy), I find it gross how people overdo it on this day. Please, inform me on more hipster clothing trends that I have missed. And as far as accessories go, you could be toting clunky headphones, huge lomography cameras (swoon I actually really love them).....or a really hot Asian or some other ethnic girlfriend who is a graphic designer and rocks out on upright bass. Or a matching drugged out hipster lady. I find it sort of sad that the definition of "hipster" is someone who finds nonconformity cool...and then here we have a ton of people conforming to look like them..so technically....the term "hipster" doesn't really make sense. Nonconformity is totally fine. I think it shouldn't be labeled, because really, everyone sort of has that element in them.......unless you're a bimbo, cheerleader, druggie. I understand. What weird is that I feel that I'm being sort of contradicting....Some of these clothing things are cool. And hipster......I think that word should be banned. The term is so pliable you could really give it 8234923757 definitions. Well this was really pointless. But I hope you sort of understand my point o' view.
And ohmyjizz. A CRAIGSLIST ASIAN GIRLFRIEND HIPSTER HOOKER. I just died. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/38889776.html

I'm done! I just ate some kind of Asian calzone and I'm gonna poop.

Why Do You Honk At Me?

A few clippings I found from Riot Grrl fanzines that made me laugh. Sighhhhhhhhhhhhh.This is something I go by every day. This quote is self explanatory. The resilience of my legs makes it hard to keep my creamy thighs closed. It's a shame. I'm quite sure that my cooter has grown wings and I can magically fly everywhere. Oh, the magnificence of female evolution.....to the next step.
Here's a translation for all you blind people out there. Is it because you think it's flattering, or because you think I'm beautiful and sexy? Because if it is, I just wanted to tell you that I'm aware of the fact that I'm amazing and beautiful, and just so you know, I didn't try to look good for you, because I think you're stupid, and the last thing I want is business and beergut men reassuring me of something I already know and next time you see an amazing woman walking down the street, think about how you would feel if every time you left your home you felt like you had to hide anything attractive about yourself so that you wouldn't be harrassed and laughed at, and you were anyway. Thank you, Every Girl
All I can say is: 1) I'm not sexy enough....or hookery enough to be honked at. Then again, that defeats the purpose of me being section jailbait. hoho. This does not relate to me. I guess it's time to run out into the streets over yonder wearing a tube top with breast ventilation. Just kidding. That would feel reall weird.Ha! And who said women belonged in the kitchen? Please marry me, Alice Duer Miller. I'll make out with your corpse if I have to. Except not really. Oh gosh, having my own magazine would be great. There would be a scandalous picture section, recipe section, etc. Crafternoon sounds fun, except when there are riot girls, it'll probably end up with....popsicle sticks and yarn being shoved down each other's......shirts. HA! AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING ELSE! And the cupcakes would probably be made out of dead boy babies, kahlua, and pepto bismol pink sprinkles.
To me, this is what a Riot Grrl's average weekend is:
1. Put on ripped fishnets, wear a bikini on your underdeveloped breasts, and write SLUT or WHORE or FLOOZY on your tummy with lipstick and wear lesbo cargo pants and pour grease in your hair.
2. Go to a gay bar and ingest lots of fruity cocktails and line dance with the slutty male cage dancers
3. Record really bad music with a children's karoke set
4. Run into the streets and whip off your clothes, exposing your braided armpit hair
5. Start getting freaky with your gurl friends.

THE END.

A List Of My Lesbian Crushes. Right Here. Right Now.

This is a time where I release all my pent up desires to make steamy sex with all of these women. Just kidding. But I find these women intriguing and hot so I'm going to talk about their sultriness. I strongly apologize to Nic that I fantasize about these women. Just kidding. I actually don't. I guess I cough "apologize" for being a lesbo. Mmm. Thighs. Monica Lewinsky. I'd hit that.
1. RIZEE TRUMBORIO! I think this fascinating, charming, raunchy young creature is a national sex symbol. Nay, she is a WORLDWIDE sex symbol. From Mongolia to the Sandwich Islands, the name Lizbeth TROMBONE is all it takes to make men, women, and animals cream their panties. In the animals' cases, they HAVE no panties. Whatever. I also am not sure if I have a picture of her so I'll find a very similar picture.
2. Olivia Hussey. STOP SNICKERING AT HER LAST NAME! SHE IS SOME HOT SHIZ. She is old and crusty but still unbelievable sexy right now. She was Juliet in the old version of the Romeo and Juliet movie where she had boob spilling epic moments. I found her quite appealing. But sadly, I found Romeo's white buttcheeks much more hilarious and appealing. That scene was great, he was like "YEEYUH YOU NIGGABITCH CAPULETS! IMMA BANGING YOUR 15 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER AND I'M PROBABLY 19 OR SO! YEAH!!! Bang, bang bangity bang bang bang! BANG! BANGGGGGGG!" *bares buttcheeks on the balcony*
3. Meg White. I don't know why I have a girl crush on her. She's pasty and white and kind of reminds me of a gothic pornstar. She's also not the best drummer ever. I think she's very cute and such, and Jack White shouldn't have divorced her. THEY WERE MADE FOR EACH OTHER! And Jack White had ginger fetishes. Jack is such a manho, though I appreciate him a lot.
4. I have a girl crush on 2 K pop women. One has pink hair and has rumored to be a tranny (Jia)....but isn't......OKAY, THERE WAS WEIRD LIGHTING ON HER SPANDEX PANTS JEEEEEZ. And is a raunchy Chinese girl. The other is an ABK.....american born korean that has sultry muscular legs and I nice butt. (Min) They're both in the same K pop band, Miss A. And A probably stands for Asian. So original.
5. Last but not least I have a femaleish crush on Shirley Manson. I don't know why. But I just do. She was the lead singer of Garbage. They weren't very good. Why am I talking like this. I guess everyone sort of has a tiny soft spot for them gingers. And Shirley Manson was a pretty sultry ginger. Yum. Though her face sort of looked weird at times and she still kind of looks like a rabbit, I admire her and want to touch her.
6. YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS ACTUALLY THE LAST ONE?! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Nope. LAST but definitely not the least would be Esperanza Spalding. For reasons completely explained as you watch her plunk that bass. Yum.

I'm done...I hope.
Actually, I'm not.
Then there's Jackie Fox, the bass player for the Runaways. She apparently sucked, but she was cute. And awesome. And WENT TO HARVARD.