Aqueous Martinis and Other Things That Have To Do With H20

While there's like 2 more weeks of summer, I have only just begun to do things summery, such as swimming. Thankfully I don't have to do swim team, and I have some rather scary and heartwarming and disturbing stories from the time I was at Miramar and Mt. Carmel. I didn't really have any strange stories from Mt. Carmel, only that Adam Siegel is a terrible swimmer and Nathan Siegel is a lot worse. My 6th grade body rocked them till Canada Day. I remember Austin/Anand Marshall was on my swim team at Miramar College and he always hung out with this small wannabe scene girl who wore waterproof eyeliner. They got married with plastic rings and Lyu Pentov's little brother was their child. Then he talked about tanning his thighs for speedo season and that made me change my mind that he was becoming straight again. I also remember at a swim meet I bonked my ear on the wall doing backstroke but I got 2nd anyways. OH YEAH. I also remember having major crotch cramps (cameltoe causing swimsuit) and back tans and goggle tans. My hair also hurt because of the swim cap. Those sucked. My swimsuit looked like this and the tan lines were not pretty. I remember when I took my ID card picture in sixth grade, I had a raccoonish goggle tan and really bleachy brown hair. So why did I quit swim team? One day this chick grabbed my ankle because she wanted to pass me so she ended up like choking me. Then I went completely apeshit and forced my mom to let me quit. Now I swim solo and work out my Chun Li thighs. Of course I would get good at the strokes that people don't really care about, e.g backstroke and breaststroke. Of course I'd get good at breaststroke. Schwingggg. Did you know that doing the dolphin kick for butterfly is pretty much humping the water? I didn't notice that until a year ago.
Out of all of the pools I've swam in, Miramar College is the best, even though they may have bitchy life guards. Who cares if the kid runs on deck? When they fall and break a limb, they'll know right from wrong. Just kidding. Safety first. Use protection. The Miramar/Ned Baumer pool also has a wide assortment of sultry old men in speedos. I also saw a lady with a huge butt and cottage cheesy thighs. It was weird cause her face looked normal but then BAM.
Mt. Carmel has a nice pool too but I DON'T SEE THEM HAVING A BIG YELLOW SLIDE LIKE MIRAMAR COLLEGE'S. When I saw the "big yellow slide", I thought of a euphemism for my penis. LOL.
Westview has a good pool even though it's always kind of cold and every time I swim in it now I think of the fish being thrown in it on the second to last day of school. When I swam in it on Friday it smelled like seafood
which made me shudder.
Lastly there's the good ole YMCA. They suck. And that's it. Diarrhea splotches at the bottom of the pool and crusty band aids.
Is it embarrassing that I wanted to be a merman? Not mermaid, MERMAN. I somehow felt like mermen were 2384923 times hotter than mermaids with their creamy pectorali and ovalesque neepoes. Don't forget the Fabio hair. Question of the day....do mermaids have vaginas? That is up to you all to find out.
When I swim in a pool I think about how kids pee in it and wonder what would happen if there was no chlorine in the pool. I'd be swimmin' in urine! And I'd blend in, but that's besides the point.
I'm sort of done talking about pools since they're slightly boring. So here's the poop joke(s) of the day!
Turtle Poop: The kind of poop that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finally comes out.
Here's a fart joke. Hoho. Beefy fart: Sounds loud, and will smell a bit like the rotting offspring of a BSE infected cow and a dog turd.
So there ya have it!

Eloping! Middle Aged Brit Teen Pop Meets Middle Aged Pedo Pop

Oh baybeh baybeh.

The Wiggles are a underrated group of talented men in vibrant coloured shirts. Not only have they taught children how to sing about the most pointless things in life, such as salads made of fruit, they have gained a fan base of teenage girls drooling over their bodies, one of them would be me. People usually look at them and go "WOW. Look at those pedos." If you haven't met me, you might not want to use the term 'pedo' liberally. When you see my face, it is literally a carbon copy of pedobear. Anyways, I'll do some enriching of the brain for these biased people out there who can't appreciate 4 hunky Australian men entertaning children.
First off is the super smexy, hunky dory JEFF FATT! Jeff Fatt is not only the only Asian in the group, he is also Chinese, sleeps in awkward places, dons an attractive purple shirt, and his last name is "Fatt". Can you smell the irony? Plus, he's the oldest one and is almost 60. Yum. He also does a really arousing bug-eyed jizz-in-my-pants face and it's kind of amazing.


The second Wiggle is Murray Cook! As in the red one. Oh Murray, how I adore his charming down-syndrome smile, auburnish hair, and interesting accent. He was always oblivious and I remember pausing the show to stare at his creepy smiles.

The third Wiggle (the blue one) is Anthony Field, with the beer belly and the charming smile and kind of reminded me of a dwarf. He was pretty hunky but now he's old and gray but whatever! The magic of the Wiggles is timeless!

Last but ohoho definitely not least was Greg Page, the yellow one. I liked him because 1. He was long tan and handsome 2. Probably liked Asians, since he sported yellow. He was also the Paul McCartney of the group, making single moms all around the universe jizz their frilly panties. Unfortunately, Greg left the group and is replaced by some porous faced young man, boo. In this picture, Greg looks quite pedotastic but he is actually quite the dreamboat, bear with me please.
So like any other normal person would do, I was thinking "WHAT IF THE WIGGLES MARRIED THE SPICE GIRLS?!" And this is how it would end up:
Scary and Jeff
Baby and Anthony
Greg and Posh
Sporty and Murray

And Ginger hits on Dorothy the Dinosaur! Erryone's happy!