Aqueous Martinis and Other Things That Have To Do With H20

While there's like 2 more weeks of summer, I have only just begun to do things summery, such as swimming. Thankfully I don't have to do swim team, and I have some rather scary and heartwarming and disturbing stories from the time I was at Miramar and Mt. Carmel. I didn't really have any strange stories from Mt. Carmel, only that Adam Siegel is a terrible swimmer and Nathan Siegel is a lot worse. My 6th grade body rocked them till Canada Day. I remember Austin/Anand Marshall was on my swim team at Miramar College and he always hung out with this small wannabe scene girl who wore waterproof eyeliner. They got married with plastic rings and Lyu Pentov's little brother was their child. Then he talked about tanning his thighs for speedo season and that made me change my mind that he was becoming straight again. I also remember at a swim meet I bonked my ear on the wall doing backstroke but I got 2nd anyways. OH YEAH. I also remember having major crotch cramps (cameltoe causing swimsuit) and back tans and goggle tans. My hair also hurt because of the swim cap. Those sucked. My swimsuit looked like this and the tan lines were not pretty. I remember when I took my ID card picture in sixth grade, I had a raccoonish goggle tan and really bleachy brown hair. So why did I quit swim team? One day this chick grabbed my ankle because she wanted to pass me so she ended up like choking me. Then I went completely apeshit and forced my mom to let me quit. Now I swim solo and work out my Chun Li thighs. Of course I would get good at the strokes that people don't really care about, e.g backstroke and breaststroke. Of course I'd get good at breaststroke. Schwingggg. Did you know that doing the dolphin kick for butterfly is pretty much humping the water? I didn't notice that until a year ago.
Out of all of the pools I've swam in, Miramar College is the best, even though they may have bitchy life guards. Who cares if the kid runs on deck? When they fall and break a limb, they'll know right from wrong. Just kidding. Safety first. Use protection. The Miramar/Ned Baumer pool also has a wide assortment of sultry old men in speedos. I also saw a lady with a huge butt and cottage cheesy thighs. It was weird cause her face looked normal but then BAM.
Mt. Carmel has a nice pool too but I DON'T SEE THEM HAVING A BIG YELLOW SLIDE LIKE MIRAMAR COLLEGE'S. When I saw the "big yellow slide", I thought of a euphemism for my penis. LOL.
Westview has a good pool even though it's always kind of cold and every time I swim in it now I think of the fish being thrown in it on the second to last day of school. When I swam in it on Friday it smelled like seafood
which made me shudder.
Lastly there's the good ole YMCA. They suck. And that's it. Diarrhea splotches at the bottom of the pool and crusty band aids.
Is it embarrassing that I wanted to be a merman? Not mermaid, MERMAN. I somehow felt like mermen were 2384923 times hotter than mermaids with their creamy pectorali and ovalesque neepoes. Don't forget the Fabio hair. Question of the day....do mermaids have vaginas? That is up to you all to find out.
When I swim in a pool I think about how kids pee in it and wonder what would happen if there was no chlorine in the pool. I'd be swimmin' in urine! And I'd blend in, but that's besides the point.
I'm sort of done talking about pools since they're slightly boring. So here's the poop joke(s) of the day!
Turtle Poop: The kind of poop that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finally comes out.
Here's a fart joke. Hoho. Beefy fart: Sounds loud, and will smell a bit like the rotting offspring of a BSE infected cow and a dog turd.
So there ya have it!

Posessed (NSYNC Breaks Into My Room)

Clearly my jetlag ain't over. Yesterday around 2 PM (oh baby, the hottest time of the day) I felt super tired so I went to bed. I was sleeping on my side and I'm sure that my hand was pushed back against my will. It was sort of a dream but I felt like someone was bringing my hand back from the side of my pillow to my waist. I felt like I was struggling but I guess not....jetlag does some pretty crazy things to people. Also, NSYNC broke into my room and started possessing AND serenading me with No Strings Attached. It was interesting, and Chris Kirkpatrick looked creepier than ever. I'm also pretty sure they tied me up. Hot, sexy bondage dreams involving boy bands. Well, at least it wasn't the Backstreet Boys or LMF or whatever group that sang the really stupid song "Summer Girls". I just searched up LMF to make sure I was right, and boy was I wrong....LMF is a Canto pop group that stands for Lazy Motha Fucka. HAHA.
This is a group that I need to be in. I would tap dat PHAT ass. Sigh I love the names War, Phat and Prodip. IM PRODIP. Lolololololo.
Okay, the right name of the group that sang the lame song is LFO. Yow. Look at that delicious anus face. Just kidding. I love you CK. You made NSYNC....NSYNC.

I kept on waking up from weird 5 minute dreams.....I just watched the movie Rite, about a demon/the devil getting into this priest (yum) and then possessing this chick and whatnot so it was really freaky, because I felt like something invisible was pulling my arm back. Once it was to my hip, and the second time I felt like my hand was being pulled to my crotch...I dunno. It was insanely strange.Awwww yeah. Me in bed. Just...less glamorous.
So I was going to post this yesterday. Today I took another nap because I'm a lazy ass and I was getting tired of watching stupidly hilarious Madtv skits. I dreamt about silverfish. Y'know, those weird disgusting little mini scorpion bugs with little antennae that you find in old dusty shelves? Shudder.....They were everywhere. I'm pretty sure I woke up screaming. Those little creatures drive me insane and every time I see them I want to stab myself with carrots. This isn't very inneresting but I think I have mind problems. Wait. Don't respond to that statement.

Musical life partners...who's yours? I guess mine would be a combination of Lizzi and Courtney Sailors and maybe a little bit of Ceciley. Courtney Sailors is courtneypants on youtube and she is a unicorn loving dicktastic person. I can mostly relate with Lizzi because we listen to everything....we don't really have limits of what we listen to.......I listen to weird post-art-whatever rock, 90's grunge, musical selections, and K pop. And a little bit of jpop. And Brit Brit Spears as my guilty pleasure. But that's not the end of all the genres I listen to. The only thing I can't really stand is country. Kill me please. And I like Courtney's art rock and weird indie hipster music that I sort of have and appreciate and her strange electronic incorporated into alternative stuff. And as for Ceciley.....she also listens to a lot of genres....It's like taking Lizzi (minus the really bubblegummy pop and mashing it up with my music taste......minusing my share of the cheesy pop as well.) And mixing some Icelandic foreign stuff in it.
So since I really haven't discovered any amazing bands and 4shared is a stupid piece of crap (just kidding. I love 4shared.......most of the time.) I have been watching Ceciley's mixtape videos on youtube.......she separates them into categories, like road trip music, love makin' jams (just kidding.....well, sort of), and beachy music and whatnot. Lots of musical inspiration......and new songs on my ipod. Courtney has a show too and a lot of the songs that she does are the ones I listen to or have listened to....but thank you for introducing MAP OF TASMANIA, the best song ever about merkins and censorship laws. Thank you.

Here's some songs that I've discovered...Since I'm too unattractive to make videos on youtube, I shall recommend 5 songs that I've found through these lovely women/ or have found by myself. But mostly them.....like I said, my brain is rather obese. And not in a good way. I'm pretty sure it's coated in cellulite and can't think and is thinking about medium rare steaks dipped in mayonnaise...Yeah!
1. Hawaiian Air-Friendly Fires (A song about being in airplanes. The music video is awesome......sitting between making out couples, a kid pulling on your hair, sitting next to a morbidly obese dude eating salad..)
2. Helena Beat-Foster the People (A song....with a guy singing in a high pitched voice? And the music video resembles a toddler apocalypse.)
3. Que Veux Tu-Madeon Remix - Yelle (The remix is better...to me. And the song makes you want to go through an LSD adventure through a daisy field and dance inappropriately. Think of me humping Tom Daley on the TV screen. Oh yes.)
4. Goodbye Happiness-Utada Hikaru (Heard this on MTV China. Probably the first Jpop I've liked. I'm not surprised.....Utada Hikaru is the acclaimed queen of Jpop. And it's not stupidy catchy kpop...)
5. Tears Dry On Their Own-Amy Winehouse (Everyone is going crazy 'cause of her death, I know. It's just like the Michael Jackson death. I swear, every year there's going to be an insanely talented musician dying young. Ever since her death, her album has been skyrocketing....I've had this song for a long time. It's rather good, and I can easily say that I like her more than Adele. I love Adele.....but most of the songs on 21 sound the same........ I remember the chorus that makes one song differ from the other but I can't remember anything else. Something about Amy's contralto voice and her songs just stand out more. Plus her erratic behaviour added a lot to that factor XD)


Well, this wasn't a particular funny or interesting blog post but this is what everyone (my 1 and 1/3 viewers) get.......because my brain is fat and can't think of witty jokes. Well....I have a poop joke.....more like a poop connection story. So here it goes!

Wet Poop

The kind where you wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels un-wiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain.

Don't you get this feeling all the time?

Yes, I got this from an app called POOP JOKES! Real original.

It's OVER!

Erastic Fantastic

So since erryone has randomly had the love of kpop implanted into their souls currently, I would like to do a little rant n' rave (oh yes, what a cheesecakey name) about k pop in general. K pop....is bad. Really, really, terrible. But for some reason, the catchy one syllable choruses and bad Engrish is captivating and fuses some kind of thing in the mind which forces the brain to love it. COUGH me. And for the people who legitimately think it's actually good.......kind of have problems. But I think that's only 2% of us all.
Kpop is really fun and awesome and irritating and makes more sense than J pop, but what irks me about it is all the plastic surgery and segregation and lack of talent.
'Cause honestly, if our darling Rebeckerz Black was signed into K pop, everyone would magically love her. And the plastic surgery....it frustrates me how people wish they looked like some particular idol in the industry and how they want to obtain their sexiness, handsomeness, etc. when they themselves most likely looked better than the idol before the idol got plastic surgery. I mean, if I got plastic surgery, I'd be INSANELY hot. And I'm not even hot at all. 75% of all them kpop stars were kind of butterfaces back in the day. No offense. Since not too many of k pop artists can sing in real life, it kind of promotes that a) if you're hot and can dance decently, you can make big bucks! or b) sign this long ass contract and sell your soul to us after we make you a star we'll take care of your shitty singing and ugliness!
And segregation....I don't even know. I guess having a group of sexy ladies or fruity but hot men add more to the fanbase and make the entertainment company richer.
K pop is good cause bands (girl ones in general) can pull off slutty looks and don't look slutty at all. I don't even know if that counts as a good thing. But the keep the mens making white wee. They also have some kind of thing behind their music that white people simply can't do. And since it's in a different language, people don't know what it means so even if the song is about humping ladies and getting wasted, people think it's bowl cuttedly cute and innocent.

So I guess this is my take on K pop. It's good........just not all the time. Cause then you'll be completely brainwashed, and it might be worse than listening to mainstream stuff in America. Hopefully I don't sound like a hypocrite cause erryday I'm like OH YES I'MMA PELVIC THRUST TO KPOP but hey, I haven't discovered any oldies music and I'm really bored and need to pelvic thrust my worries away. Un tsss un tss un tss. I think this little R&R ( oh yeah I called it that) has made my love of Kpop grow. Time to review more k pop. And listen to it.
...someone please introduce me to better white person music. Please. Before I have a kpop jizz attack.
Okay bye. Have y'all noticed my posts have gotten lamer with time? I know :(

Thinking Ahead, That's What Asian Parents Are For

It's been a while. I know. Unlike a web star or super blog personality, I'm not going to say "Errone's been nagging me to post, and I said, may-bayy, may-bay not, that's the funnnnn!" BUT....My parents HAVE been nagging me about college, BUT a pro in that is that I've been searching up good colleges that I'd consider going to in 3 years. If this year passed by super quickly, the 3 left will too. And I better hold on tight....to my penor, that is. It might get lost in time. Or make nice with a black hole when it gets lost in time. But, here are the choices I have conjured up or have considered for a while.

1. UCSD (Close to home.....though that may not be the BEST idea..haha)
2. UCLA (The school erryone wants to go to. I love the area it's in but damn. LA is a huge ghetto.)
3. UCSF (San Francisco is such a bitchin' city. From the 4 times I've been there....it's amazing. UCSF also is a medical school which is something my parents encourage and I also am kind of interested in health science. And if I want to pursue my music, I can do that for fun. It won't be hard getting my hands (oh babababy) on great music. )
4. UWash. (Is in Seattle. Another awesome city. UWash has a really pretty campus and has such a wide variety of classes to take. Plus it's close to Canada, aka HEAVEN. Except not really. But pretty close.)
5. UCIrvine. (Close to home, full of Asians...though Irvine is sort of a boring place.)
6. UVic....(Mmm in Canada. In Victoria. FILLED WITH BUNNIES. )
My mom says I may not go to "out of the country" schools unless I get a scholarship.

I also have no idea what I'm going to do when I grow up. Oh well. I think.
But I realllllly want to go to UCSF.
Like I said......it's been a while.

Something more.....Melancholy.

My face at the mo.

Usually my posts are about random shit. This one is about shit, but it's not random and fun filled. Don't even bother to read it, but I'm just letting out steam. A lot of steam. Maybe you do want to read it to understand all of these random pictures. Yes, I'm keeping this rant in my regular random ass picture format. Well, here goes everything. My parents have been pressuring me about college since....seventh grade. It's gotten worse, and I'm only in 9th grade. Everything I do REVOLVES around college. Piano....for college....all my AP classes and crap...college. Duh. And now, band is revolving around college. My mom says I can stay in band for all 4 years...well, three years sort of for now......if I play on clarinet. And the B thing won't be applied anymore. I personally hate clarinet with a passion, no offense. Band is something I do for fun. It's like a sport, though it's not very physically challenging..well, sometimes it is during marching season, heh. If I switch to clarinet, I'm kind of just going to dread band. I don't know if this argument is valid but let's say two people had the same amount of community service, grades including AP classes, and one of them played clarinet (but could play bass clarinet......duh, all clarinetists can..) and one could play clarinet but mainly focused on bass clarinet. I don't know......in my opinion I would pick the more unique person...someone who can play clarinet pretty well but really has a passion for bass. When I told my mom that, she snickered irritatingly and was like YOU'RE WROOOOOOOOONGGGGGGGGGG! Then she mocked my passion quote many times and now I feel like backhanding a baby. I love playing bass clarinet. It's not the same as a clarinet player who conveniently knows how to play bass clarinet. I'm pretty sure Mr. Hollyday told me that before. It's unique. I wish I could actually do what I really wanted, though that's completely bull shit. I can't do everything that I want. Well of fucking course! I don't want to go to school, and I have to do that ;P Ugh. If I switched to clarinet, I doubt Webb would let me go back to clarinet...and how would I even switch off? I think I could compromise playing bass for marching season and switching every now and then for concert band but of course Webb wouldn't let me do that. It's all or nothing. I also don't understand why my parents won't just let me practice clarinet regularly at home. Colleges won't care, they'll know that you're adept at clarinet-ing and bass clarinet-ing, and I guess they'd find it cool that you really like bass clarinet more than clarinet? I'd do that if I was a hip rad college admission person.
That's the end of my rant, I guess.
Today we had an asian fest. I entertained a 5 year old with barbies and everything I put on the barbie the kid was like "it tis not boohtefull" and I got so irritated I wanted to yell "YOU'RE NOT BOOTEFUHL!!" but she was really cute. I also fell asleep multiple times and ate way too many strawberries. That party was 6 fuckin' hours!!!!! I ate pretty well, though. Snowy humped the legs of all the foxy Asian professors and they thought it was hilarious and cute and took many pictures. All I could do was stand in the corner and snicker. Then I played on our Wii, which I haven't played in in a while. I made myself short, fat, and yellow and gave myself a mole in the middle of my forehead and gave myself a pedo smile. I renamed myself Pedonat. After that I read more of animal farm on my mom's bed and promptly fell asleep. That's all.
Now I'm groggy, irritated, and sort of hungry (I haven't eaten since 2 PM)
Please send me an entertaining viral video so I can look like this.

RAAAAAAGH

Easter..a day where white people decorate eggs, go to church, explode peeps and stuff. Unfortunately, growing up in an atheist-ish Chinese family, I only got to sort of experience it until I was about 8. I remember when I lived near Adobe Bluffs my neighbor was this SAINTLY white lady and she used to shower me with gifts...that was when I experienced my first easter!! I just remember I had a sugar rush. Now I do nothing really. Well this was really pointless. Ummm......what else should I talk about.Ahee..touchin the ickle lad with his "carrot"

Oh yes! Toilet stories. I would like to say that.....
1) Whenever I take a dump or pee, I have to recite the ABC's. Sometimes in my head. Sometimes out loud. Most likely when I'm constipated. I hope that doesn't creep the crap out of y'all......Haha, crap creeping out of your butt. Haha. Hehe. Hoho.
2) Who hasn't stuck their hand into the toilet?! Don't lie. I mean, not when there's lumps of shit floating around but who didn't play with toilet water when they were 1-5......sort of sad...but true.
3) I HAVE fallen into the toilet. I sort of looked like this kid. I can't now, because my butt is too big.
4) Have you ever opened the top part of the toilet and played with that floaty/douche/black whatever floaty ball? That was redundant, and I'm pretty sure I just made it sound like some sort of sex toy. It's not. I hope.
5) I have flushed many things down the toilet.....beef stew, a smiley face keychain....you name it. Except my pet fish and such......they needed a proper burial.

The only problem I have with a toilet is that ever since I got my sex change, I'm really used to sitting down.....and as a brawny male, I find it hard to go peepee sitting down, my penis gets super squished. I haven't really developed my aiming skills, so errytime I go I miss and have to clean the floor OR I end up peeing on the ceiling. See, it's better sitting down and taking the risk of getting a spontaneous boner and getting squished nuts instead of cleaning my own urine! Buggady buggady buggady!


Whelp, I'm gonna go to an Asian easter uh......brunch. We're prolly going to eat dumplings and all that jazz. Time to put on some pants over my polka dot boy shorts (preferably my weekend mom jean/trousers) put on the hobo jacket I used to wear in middle school, and get cracking. Well that sounded oddly sexual.