Holy Fuck It's Been A LONG TIME

Oh shit. I really haven't taken this blogging stuff seriously but oh well. No one really reads this anyways....I'm going to save this blog for when my kids grow up to be perverted (yeah if they came out of MY cooch there's no doubt for that to happen) and they may appreciate my writings or they'll be like MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWM WHY R U LYK SO EMBURRSING UGHH LYK WOWWW. Anyways.....it's MLK day. He is arguably the most perfect man. I should be out hugging black people but unfortunately I am drooling at delicious shoes made by the delicious Jeffrey Campbell. This shall be mentioned in the next post. Also I'm seeing BOBBY NEXT MONTH AT BALBOA PARK OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. I'm going to throw my bra at him. Probably not because he's like.....70 so maybe I'll just ask him to sign my bobby shirt that was once my pops. Also who would play you in a movie, what would the movie be called, who would be your love interest, and who would be your faithful sidekick? For me it would be Nicolas Cage in his "cough sexy" days as he bleaches his skin yellow, Morgan Freeman as my love interest, my sidekick(s)? would be Whoopi Goldberg OR Uncle Joey from full house, Lana Del Rey/Dita Von teese/Carrot Top would be my hooker, and the movie would be called "IMNOTEASY: A biopic" or "The trees are silent. They pretend not to notice. That I am pooping."
Anyways my cooch hurts and I'm going to stop now and blog about my obsession.

Aqueous Martinis and Other Things That Have To Do With H20

While there's like 2 more weeks of summer, I have only just begun to do things summery, such as swimming. Thankfully I don't have to do swim team, and I have some rather scary and heartwarming and disturbing stories from the time I was at Miramar and Mt. Carmel. I didn't really have any strange stories from Mt. Carmel, only that Adam Siegel is a terrible swimmer and Nathan Siegel is a lot worse. My 6th grade body rocked them till Canada Day. I remember Austin/Anand Marshall was on my swim team at Miramar College and he always hung out with this small wannabe scene girl who wore waterproof eyeliner. They got married with plastic rings and Lyu Pentov's little brother was their child. Then he talked about tanning his thighs for speedo season and that made me change my mind that he was becoming straight again. I also remember at a swim meet I bonked my ear on the wall doing backstroke but I got 2nd anyways. OH YEAH. I also remember having major crotch cramps (cameltoe causing swimsuit) and back tans and goggle tans. My hair also hurt because of the swim cap. Those sucked. My swimsuit looked like this and the tan lines were not pretty. I remember when I took my ID card picture in sixth grade, I had a raccoonish goggle tan and really bleachy brown hair. So why did I quit swim team? One day this chick grabbed my ankle because she wanted to pass me so she ended up like choking me. Then I went completely apeshit and forced my mom to let me quit. Now I swim solo and work out my Chun Li thighs. Of course I would get good at the strokes that people don't really care about, e.g backstroke and breaststroke. Of course I'd get good at breaststroke. Schwingggg. Did you know that doing the dolphin kick for butterfly is pretty much humping the water? I didn't notice that until a year ago.
Out of all of the pools I've swam in, Miramar College is the best, even though they may have bitchy life guards. Who cares if the kid runs on deck? When they fall and break a limb, they'll know right from wrong. Just kidding. Safety first. Use protection. The Miramar/Ned Baumer pool also has a wide assortment of sultry old men in speedos. I also saw a lady with a huge butt and cottage cheesy thighs. It was weird cause her face looked normal but then BAM.
Mt. Carmel has a nice pool too but I DON'T SEE THEM HAVING A BIG YELLOW SLIDE LIKE MIRAMAR COLLEGE'S. When I saw the "big yellow slide", I thought of a euphemism for my penis. LOL.
Westview has a good pool even though it's always kind of cold and every time I swim in it now I think of the fish being thrown in it on the second to last day of school. When I swam in it on Friday it smelled like seafood
which made me shudder.
Lastly there's the good ole YMCA. They suck. And that's it. Diarrhea splotches at the bottom of the pool and crusty band aids.
Is it embarrassing that I wanted to be a merman? Not mermaid, MERMAN. I somehow felt like mermen were 2384923 times hotter than mermaids with their creamy pectorali and ovalesque neepoes. Don't forget the Fabio hair. Question of the day....do mermaids have vaginas? That is up to you all to find out.
When I swim in a pool I think about how kids pee in it and wonder what would happen if there was no chlorine in the pool. I'd be swimmin' in urine! And I'd blend in, but that's besides the point.
I'm sort of done talking about pools since they're slightly boring. So here's the poop joke(s) of the day!
Turtle Poop: The kind of poop that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finally comes out.
Here's a fart joke. Hoho. Beefy fart: Sounds loud, and will smell a bit like the rotting offspring of a BSE infected cow and a dog turd.
So there ya have it!

Poop Soup

Reeeeeeeeee-uhrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Again, I am sitting and attempting to shit out some ideas on the toilet of verbal constipation. Brainstorming ideas even took me approximately 4 days. Sorry. I've been stressed out about Asian piano tests and even more Asian art presentations. Why am I apologizing (Do I even have people who read this???) when no one has visited this page for days, including me? Oh well.
The first issue I would like to address is who is the caretaker aka pimp aka master blaster of Neil/Neopet. Neopet is mine. He was mine before he got a girlfriend and a man lover. When I came out of my mother's womb, my first words were "A LANKY, SLUTTY BOY THREE YEARS OLDER THAN ME IS GOING TO BE MY PROPERTY". Alas, I have been reunited with my property! When I first bonded with him, I lifted my leg and urinated on him, the acidic pee scratching my initials into his left buttcheek. This is MY mark. He is mine. I control his brain. I can sell him to a sweatshop or to Hefner if I want. Why is he so successful in life? Me. Who got men stuffing dollar bills down his undies? Me. Who got him to star in Chinese pron comedies? Ni-I mean.....me. Duh. So don't mess with me. I'm the man behind the sekahsee hairy legs, Bieber hair, and charming boyish smile.This, my friends, is Mr. Neopet's glamour shot. Just kidding. I couldn't find a picture of him so I found one that was accurate. Look at those creamy thighs.
Another hot topic that has caused brouhaha in probably everyone's minds (or pants) is my strange, irratic behaviour with fruits. Today, I humped a bag of avocados. That is all. Some people judge. Haters be the hating. Life goes on, and I will continue humping bags of grapefruit or avocado. And maybe even bags of frozen shrimp and kettle corn. Who knows.
Also, another life goal has been completed! I bought my first pair of oxford shoes on eBay, which means I get to walk to school in sultry, 70's sitcom style. Now all I need is a pair of horn rimmed glasses and a swooshy pompadour to woo all of the ladies. Or, I just whip out my dick. I have recently tattooed the troll face on it, by the way. It is a major turn on to the internet/know your meme savvy people. Which also means that I have banged everyone on the world wide FREAKING web.
Baby bologna is on a list of foods that I want to try in my life. I mean, who doesn't want to eat baby sausages? When people say "You're so cute that I could eat you up" is pretty literal in this context. I've heard that the baby bologna is made with a bunch of preservatives but hey, tis hard to keep baby meat fresh, apparently it is insanely perishable. Also, people say that there are baby by-products in the bologna, some people have claimed they have eaten a baby pee pee. That's hazardous to your health, kids, but I'm still going to taste this foreign, European food trend baby bologna.
So you might've wondered how my women's day went. Well, first I went to the seamy downtown of Amsterdam, went to "cat" houses and raised some hell. I brought snazzy combat boots and leotards and bras to all of the hoes and then I taught them how to tame lions, ride motorcycles, and Irish riverdance. One of the hoes, Svetlana became an underwater basket weaving business woman. I am quite proud of her. After that, I made a cameo in America's Next Top Model and forced the ladies to eat Twinkies until they got curvy, hourglass figures like me. Unfortunateley, Tyra passed out when this happened and I'm not entirely sure what happened to her after that. But me, the curvy and sexy models AND the cross dresser Miss Jay ran across the Golden Gate Bridge while "I'm Coming Out" played in the background and we ran and high fived epically. Then, we all went out to have brunch and do hardcore pilates. I actually didn't do anything on my list. But, I did hurt a few men and went shirtless, also being running around scandalously in a yellow tee shirt, ahh yeahh. Miss Jay is a guy, if you people didn't notice.
Hoho. Last but not least would be the riveting discussion topic of boy choirs. Boy choirs, especially the ones from random places in Europe really get my motor going, if y'all know what I mean. They are so thick n' creamy, with crooning Justin Bieber voices. Yum. When our choir met the Arizon Boys' Choir I almost orgasmed. So many delicious young men in colorful attire with awkward smiles, underdeveloped bodies, and braces. And this, children, is why I got kicked out of choir. Just kidding. I quit because I quit. Choir got boring, and this voice is grammy worthy.You can see why I like them choirboys.
....No just kidding. I inveigled all of them thick n' creamy boys into a room and pinched their buttcheeks, and this is the story of how I got kicked out. Sad, but true. Who can't resist the gleaming butts of choirboys? Not I.