Aqueous Martinis and Other Things That Have To Do With H20

While there's like 2 more weeks of summer, I have only just begun to do things summery, such as swimming. Thankfully I don't have to do swim team, and I have some rather scary and heartwarming and disturbing stories from the time I was at Miramar and Mt. Carmel. I didn't really have any strange stories from Mt. Carmel, only that Adam Siegel is a terrible swimmer and Nathan Siegel is a lot worse. My 6th grade body rocked them till Canada Day. I remember Austin/Anand Marshall was on my swim team at Miramar College and he always hung out with this small wannabe scene girl who wore waterproof eyeliner. They got married with plastic rings and Lyu Pentov's little brother was their child. Then he talked about tanning his thighs for speedo season and that made me change my mind that he was becoming straight again. I also remember at a swim meet I bonked my ear on the wall doing backstroke but I got 2nd anyways. OH YEAH. I also remember having major crotch cramps (cameltoe causing swimsuit) and back tans and goggle tans. My hair also hurt because of the swim cap. Those sucked. My swimsuit looked like this and the tan lines were not pretty. I remember when I took my ID card picture in sixth grade, I had a raccoonish goggle tan and really bleachy brown hair. So why did I quit swim team? One day this chick grabbed my ankle because she wanted to pass me so she ended up like choking me. Then I went completely apeshit and forced my mom to let me quit. Now I swim solo and work out my Chun Li thighs. Of course I would get good at the strokes that people don't really care about, e.g backstroke and breaststroke. Of course I'd get good at breaststroke. Schwingggg. Did you know that doing the dolphin kick for butterfly is pretty much humping the water? I didn't notice that until a year ago.
Out of all of the pools I've swam in, Miramar College is the best, even though they may have bitchy life guards. Who cares if the kid runs on deck? When they fall and break a limb, they'll know right from wrong. Just kidding. Safety first. Use protection. The Miramar/Ned Baumer pool also has a wide assortment of sultry old men in speedos. I also saw a lady with a huge butt and cottage cheesy thighs. It was weird cause her face looked normal but then BAM.
Mt. Carmel has a nice pool too but I DON'T SEE THEM HAVING A BIG YELLOW SLIDE LIKE MIRAMAR COLLEGE'S. When I saw the "big yellow slide", I thought of a euphemism for my penis. LOL.
Westview has a good pool even though it's always kind of cold and every time I swim in it now I think of the fish being thrown in it on the second to last day of school. When I swam in it on Friday it smelled like seafood
which made me shudder.
Lastly there's the good ole YMCA. They suck. And that's it. Diarrhea splotches at the bottom of the pool and crusty band aids.
Is it embarrassing that I wanted to be a merman? Not mermaid, MERMAN. I somehow felt like mermen were 2384923 times hotter than mermaids with their creamy pectorali and ovalesque neepoes. Don't forget the Fabio hair. Question of the day....do mermaids have vaginas? That is up to you all to find out.
When I swim in a pool I think about how kids pee in it and wonder what would happen if there was no chlorine in the pool. I'd be swimmin' in urine! And I'd blend in, but that's besides the point.
I'm sort of done talking about pools since they're slightly boring. So here's the poop joke(s) of the day!
Turtle Poop: The kind of poop that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finally comes out.
Here's a fart joke. Hoho. Beefy fart: Sounds loud, and will smell a bit like the rotting offspring of a BSE infected cow and a dog turd.
So there ya have it!

The Fashion Edition aka I Love a Man In Uniform ( Or TURTLENECK.)

Thanks, Justin. Paving the way for men to wear turtlenecks.

I like men in turtlenecks. Is that wrong? I hope not. If I saw Alf or Brandon in a turtleneck I'd probably laugh and throw up. I guess all kinds of turtlenecks are preferable, but I think beige soft ones are insanely orgasmic. Seeing a guy in a turtleneck makes my panties drop to the floor in an instant. To me, turtlenecks just scream "I'm a masculine hunk who's not afraid to show off me prominent nipples, gorgeous personality, dangerous curves, AND my knowledge of quality fabric!" Basically if you want me to get you pregnant, wear a beige/cream cashmere turtleneck and play dubstep. I don't exactly like dubstep, but it reminds me of robot intercourse and really REALLY makes me want to hump everything in my sight. I swear, my crotch starts tingling and it is my instinct to knock someone down to the floor and yell "YOU LIKE THAT, BITTTTCHHHHHHH?!!!!" while they beg with mercy as I tie them up and take out the handcu-Wait what? Back to the turtleneck story. *wipes off crusted drool at corner of mouth* As well as turtlenecks, I enjoy a man who wears flannel, long johns, vegan footwear, and wife beaters. You could say that this man is a representation of me when I fly through the dubstep humpty dumpty phrase, and you could say that I would let this man fondle my body. Just because he's wearing a wife beater.
Meeeee-yow. I also like sweater vests with argyle patterns and ANYTHING pleather on a man. Pleater is patent leather. Which technically is fake and slutty leather. That technically means that I love a man who looks nice in hooker heels. Luckily, that's true!This isn't pleather, but I'd tap anything in these heels. I'd probably throw in a few 100's in the heels.
I also like a man in uniform, so you can probably assume that I want to rape everyone during marching season, which I do. If an array of people wear these sultry clothing articles to school one day, I'll presume it is my birthday and be surprised that people actually REMEMBERED and I'll get the biggest girl boner ever. Damn. I'd drop to the floor.
Does anyone else look at patterns and think about what kind of people they represent? I think I'm the only one who does that, but then again I'm a special case. To me, houndstooth reminds me of posh gay guys with a lisp that wear purple fedoras and cherry red zoot suits.
Polka dots remind me of the life cycle of a girl. When you have multicolored ones, you're a toddler. When you have immense ones (lol boob reference), you're in kindergarten! When you have black polka dots against a salmon color, you're a teenager! When you have black and white ones you're either a classy adult or a grandma. And so on.
Paisley reminds me of girls who dress like the girls from "Little House On the Prairie."
Tartan aka plaid reminds me of Christmas, stereotypical schoolgirls, and Scottish terriers.
Argyle reminds me of yuppies, nerds, and Ezra Koenig.
Stripes remind me of barbershop quartets.
Leopard print reminds me of your average MILF.
Zebra print reminds me of sluts. No offense to you conservative girls who like zebra print, it's just that they remind me of ickle tartlets. I remember when I kind of liked zebra print...
Checkers remind me of Buddy Holly and cheesy people that I'd get along with, and so on.

So here's the boring part of our arousing discussion. Isn't it kind of strange where you could just point to one person and just label their style with one word?..or maybe 2 or 3.. When I think of Sierra, I think of the average teenage girl. Cough, that may be helped with the Justin Bieber shirt. When I think of Abby, I think of the other portion of teenage girls. Maddi reminds me of the typical girl from California (though she lived part of her life in Oregon...;P). Lizzi dresses like an 80's hunk slash Saved By the Bell woman. But not all the time. Which is like me. I guess you can't really define me, and I like that. Who knows when I'm going to wear kilts and crocs. Who knows if I'm going to come to school in a sweater vest and pleather trousers? NO ONE. I remember I wore a dress in 8th grade once and people were like GREAT BALLS OF FIRE! Not in exclamation, but actually at my...never mind.MARRY ME KELLY KAPOWSKI.

Something random that I'd like to mention is probably what the majority of what y'all are thinking about. Creamed corn? No. BOOBS. I recently watched the Jennamarbles post on how to make your boobs bigger. Wearing 2 bras DO help. It's weird. Not that do want my boobs bigger because apparently the reason why I'm almost always hunched over is that I slightly try to hide them. My doctor said that. He's a guy. Now I'm scared. Or maybe their weight is pulling my body down. Never mind. However, putting bronzing powder on them doesn't work. It looks like you have a dirty bosom, and what if you get boob sweat and it runs all over the place? If you have very tight cleavage, I'm pretty sure it gets pretty damp between those sweater puppies cause of all of the friction. So I guess what I'm TRYING to say is....flaunt those boobs. Wait, no. We don't want a world of sluts here. If you have small boobs and want big boobs (not sure why you would) wear 2 bras. Jennamarbles knows best, cause she's the stripper with a master's degree.If all fails, you always have the F-cup cookie. <3

A List Of My Lesbian Crushes. Right Here. Right Now.

This is a time where I release all my pent up desires to make steamy sex with all of these women. Just kidding. But I find these women intriguing and hot so I'm going to talk about their sultriness. I strongly apologize to Nic that I fantasize about these women. Just kidding. I actually don't. I guess I cough "apologize" for being a lesbo. Mmm. Thighs. Monica Lewinsky. I'd hit that.
1. RIZEE TRUMBORIO! I think this fascinating, charming, raunchy young creature is a national sex symbol. Nay, she is a WORLDWIDE sex symbol. From Mongolia to the Sandwich Islands, the name Lizbeth TROMBONE is all it takes to make men, women, and animals cream their panties. In the animals' cases, they HAVE no panties. Whatever. I also am not sure if I have a picture of her so I'll find a very similar picture.
2. Olivia Hussey. STOP SNICKERING AT HER LAST NAME! SHE IS SOME HOT SHIZ. She is old and crusty but still unbelievable sexy right now. She was Juliet in the old version of the Romeo and Juliet movie where she had boob spilling epic moments. I found her quite appealing. But sadly, I found Romeo's white buttcheeks much more hilarious and appealing. That scene was great, he was like "YEEYUH YOU NIGGABITCH CAPULETS! IMMA BANGING YOUR 15 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER AND I'M PROBABLY 19 OR SO! YEAH!!! Bang, bang bangity bang bang bang! BANG! BANGGGGGGG!" *bares buttcheeks on the balcony*
3. Meg White. I don't know why I have a girl crush on her. She's pasty and white and kind of reminds me of a gothic pornstar. She's also not the best drummer ever. I think she's very cute and such, and Jack White shouldn't have divorced her. THEY WERE MADE FOR EACH OTHER! And Jack White had ginger fetishes. Jack is such a manho, though I appreciate him a lot.
4. I have a girl crush on 2 K pop women. One has pink hair and has rumored to be a tranny (Jia)....but isn't......OKAY, THERE WAS WEIRD LIGHTING ON HER SPANDEX PANTS JEEEEEZ. And is a raunchy Chinese girl. The other is an ABK.....american born korean that has sultry muscular legs and I nice butt. (Min) They're both in the same K pop band, Miss A. And A probably stands for Asian. So original.
5. Last but not least I have a femaleish crush on Shirley Manson. I don't know why. But I just do. She was the lead singer of Garbage. They weren't very good. Why am I talking like this. I guess everyone sort of has a tiny soft spot for them gingers. And Shirley Manson was a pretty sultry ginger. Yum. Though her face sort of looked weird at times and she still kind of looks like a rabbit, I admire her and want to touch her.
6. YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS ACTUALLY THE LAST ONE?! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Nope. LAST but definitely not the least would be Esperanza Spalding. For reasons completely explained as you watch her plunk that bass. Yum.

I'm done...I hope.
Actually, I'm not.
Then there's Jackie Fox, the bass player for the Runaways. She apparently sucked, but she was cute. And awesome. And WENT TO HARVARD.

MENOMENA

I'm dying a slow but very sure death. AKA blood is exiting my body and whatthehell, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS A MONTHLY PROCESS! And IT'S JUST AS PAINFUL EVERY DAMN TIME! Okay, I'll stop now. I don't want people *coughhack* passing out as I spew out my feminine problems. Speaking of spew, it's happ-Just kidding! I won't go that far. But maybe I will. AND MAYBE I'LL RIP ALL OF YOUR GOD DAMN BUTTCHEEKS OFF! Pant. Pant. Pant. This is how bi polar I get. There really needs a cure to periods. Not even Tiger Balm can prevent it, and I'm pretty sure Tiger Balm can cure AIDS. If you don't know what Tiger Balm is, it's pretty much the Asian remedy for all problems. Mosquito bites, uh..... Oh well. It's still the remedy for all problems.
I'm so addicted to the website Free Rice. I don't even know why. I remember we used to play it because we were bored in 6th grade and Mrs. Cochran didn't feel like teaching. Now I spend at least an hour on it every day donating rice to children and becoming a smartass. Oh yeah. Do it! It's educational, funtertaining, and helps starving people! I felt so smart and was like "I'M POWNING ERRYONE!" until I realized I was on level one and there were 60 levels. I question if I'm actually Asian when these incidents happen on a daily basis.
Since the concept of hair has been brought it quite a few times this week due to a) Nic getting a sultry hair cut b) Rachel Trumbore making a 500 People Join and My Sister Lizzi MIGHT Get An Afro! I searched up "interesting haircuts". The results I got really concerned me and kind of made me wet my panties. I don't even know how to describe them. Well, the ones that made me puke with laughter the most (that sounds messy...) were....the face shaved into the back of the guy's head....and all the poodle haircuts to make them look like peacocks, bison, lions.......HAHA I felt so bad for those Sierra tastic poodles. They looked so sad. Oh and I can't leave out the hunky centaur man with the prominent Widow's peak and hearts shaved into his chest hair. *shudderOmar* Jizzy jizz jizz.
Last Friday when I was on a Japanese confection raid for Timmy's birthday, I stumbled over such a magnificent creation. Cheese flavored Kit Kats. Whatthefuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! Ew, imagine eating this gross cheesy stuff that has this chocolate consistency to it......ewwwww. It's like a dehydrated (sort of) version of those crackers you dip in cheese but this time it's sealed with gross cheese stuff and is between wafers! Yum, you kinky Japanese! Sigh, oh Japanese people, with their tenticle pornos and delicious cuisine. Someday, I wish to try this. But not really. Cheese is aged cow boob juice. Ew.
Another animal I obsess over is the Llama. And Alpaca. And Vicuna. All of those delicious, spitting, llama-ish mammals. Though the llama is freaking awesome and nifty, they should be considered phallic symbols. Look at the pictures below and you shall see. Llamas also remind of of Lucas Hoshino while he rocks out with his bassoon. This llama in particular reminds me of him when he makes his sex face. If you don't know what his sex face is, you should probably consult me.BEHOLD! LUCAS HOSHINO!
Last but not least, I have a question to the whole world and the limited viewers of my blog...What AM I going to do in China? Is YouTube really banned. Because if so.....I WON'T BE ABLE TO LISTEN TO MY DAILY DOSE OF K POP! *hyperventilates* I guess I'll find something to do besides that... Like knit a sweater. Or do pushups. And I can't even listen to a LITTLE bit of K pop since my Ipod broke after 4 hardy years. I'm not entirely sure if I'm getting a new one so it's MP3 player time. Wait, I don't even think we have one of those. o.oThis is what I'm going to turn into after China. Do you know what would be really cool? If all my friends came up to LAX to get me and then slow cheesy music plays and there's slo mo running and everyone touches me inappropriately in public. Mmm. I can dream, can't I?

Bye! I'm verbally constipated.