I'M SO EXCITED.........I'M SO EXCITED.......I'M SO..........SCAREDDD.

LOLOLOLOLO

So you might wonder nowadays, "WOW. Natalie has a ton of ideas." Wrong. I sat in bed at 4AM churning ideas out. I do so much for my limited viewers, and I probably shouldn't. I've been using the computer from 10 AM today and multitasking and such that I literally feel my brain frying. This is going to be a rather hipster post, with obscure topics like "Worst Places To Have Diarrhea", "Vintage Cars", "Kool Aid Hair", "Shows from duh 90's slash early 2000's", and lastly "What Lizzi and I Plan To Do While Listening to 'Love Hurts' By Nazareth." I'll start out with the diarrhea talk. I myself have had diarrhea in many bad places, mostly in China. But no one cares. You could fart in public and get away with it. So here's a mighty fine list of bad places to blow chunks in reverse.
1. In your pants. That's a given......it's hereditary and runs in your JEANS/GENES!!!! HAHAHAH-I might've mentioned that one before.
2. Large stores such as Wal Mart and whatnot. There's usually a crowded bathroom and you feel embarrassed as people hear your butt thunder and see you walk out. The walk of shame. The mixed smell of poop and unwashed people (just kidding) adds to the sense of sheer terror.
3. On a boat. You can assume why.
4. Right before sexual intercourse. LOL.
5. On a ski lift. And the ski lift stops.
6. In single person bathrooms. You see, even though there are many stalls in normal public bathrooms, you could just point fingers at others.
7. In a movie theater on a date.
8. On the catwalk. You can imagine.......strut those thighs.........SPLATTTTTT.
9. In the pool.Dream car. The guy standing in front of it is such a bro. You can tell by his flamin' hot shirt.
Since yall are probably insanely grossed out, I will move on to my next topic, vintage cars.
As soon as I can drive, I will use my life savings of 270 dollars (I'D HAVE A LOT MORE IF MY MOM DIDN'T STEAL MY MONEY) and get a really old crusty car with flames. Preferably a ford roadster, you know, those ancient cars that look like boxy houses and whatnot. Or a volkswagen bus. My mom is very wary on the idea and said that if "I become doctah!" I can collect vintage cars. Hell no! I want to drive one. If my mom doesn't let me get a delicious rustbucket......I might cry. Plus I don't even really like cars so why would I collect them? I'd rather collect snowglobes. You could experience the 30's-70's in it. People probably smoked pot in it. Or had sex in it. Or illegally shipped chimpanzees or humans with it. Or gave birth in it. Honestly if I wouldn't be able to get these sultry cars, I'd just get a smallish car with good mileage, better for the environment, and it would HAVE to be a cool color. If nothing fits my criteria, I guess I'll just have to blade or segway everywhere. I don't mind!Kool aid hurrrrr.
I've been pestering/subtly hinting to my mom that I want to dip dye my hair a dark blue and that it doesn't damage your hair so I've been obsessively looking online how to dye it. (even though she probably won't let me.) I came across a page of how to dip dye your hair with KOOL AID. So I guess kool aid is terribly bad for you. It stains your insides. Lucky blonde people, not having to bleach their hair to dye it. But anyways....you mix kool aid with conditioner, soak your hair in it, and it comes out with a light and cute sherbet color. It's pretty awesome. But it still disturbs me how you can dye your hair with it. And, I'm probably never going to drink kool aid again, not that I liked in the first place.
Every day I'm bored. So I watch an array of kid's shows on the tube of you. So here are a ton of shows I loved.
1. Saved By the Bell. I used to think it was boring cause I was only in elementary school but......it's amazing. I had a slight crush on Zach Morris and mostly KELLY KAPOWSKI. Yowza.
2. Hey Arnold!-BEST SHOW EVER. You could learn so much. My favorite character was Nadine, the black girl with blonde braids who liked bugs.
3. Braceface-Mmm I loved that super Canadian cartoons. From smoking, drinking, getting blow up bras......it had it all. And it had an awesome half Italian/Chinese girl with red and black hair. I'm a sucker for interracial characters. Ahee.BRACE FACE! MY LIFE IS COMPLICATED-BOYFRIEND-I WORK IT OUT IN THE END-BRACEFACE! Best show ever.
4. Chalkzone-All I can say about this show is YAY.
5. As Told By Ginger-I was always super scared of the animation but I still liked it. It was rather deep, even if everyone had derp faces.
6. My Life As a Teenage Robot-THIS SHOW WAS AWESOME. But it only ran for about 2 years, which sucked.
There's also shows like Full House, Family Matters, The Cosby Show, and others but come on, you could totally expect me to like those shows. It's pretty much a given.
Lastly, there is the topic on Love Hurts by Nazareth. This cheesy heartbreaker has made me conjure up some snazzy ideas.
1. Three way slow dance with me, Lizzi, and BRANDON
2. Film a wistful Kpop soap opera scene in a car while it's raining outside
3. Film a scene where someone cries, eats ice cream and chocolate, watches soap opera, puts a gun to their head and it gets all dramatic but then they decide not to because they don't have the courage.
4. Fake sniffling over someone's picture.
5. Dedicate an entire soap opera with this one song and other variations of it playing. LOL.
I have no ideas now. Kbye.

Acronyms. And a List of People I'd....Do.

So, acronyms...they get ridiculous.....sort of. Like me and Sierra's Bff equivalent, BFFFFFFFFFFFLTPCI. Y'all probably know what it means. If you don't, I doubt you'd want to ask me because that'd waste about 10 seconds of your life. I used to hate using the most overused acronym "lol".....but unfortunately at the time, I kind of sort of have to use it. It's also not as annoying sounding as it used to be. It's unsettling, but I have to do it. I'm also using it honestly 'cause maybe I DO fucking laugh when I say it. Mmmmhmm. It also reminds me of memes. AND THE LOLWUT PEAR. I LOVE THAT THING. Speaking of memes, I told my mom a poop joke and the story about the swami on Youtube teaching poop getting-out-of-your ass exercises and she told me I'd be forever alone. I.......think she's true. I told her this joke....Did you hear that diarrhea is hereditary? Yeah! IT RUNS IN THE JEANS. I know. What a flabby thigh slapper. So yesterday, I went to a walk in appointment with my dentist because I was having this weird gum-ache. And.........you'll never know. Wisdom teeth are already in. Dayum, they're supposed to start when you're about.....18-19 or even into your 20's and 30's! So far I think 3 of them grew in. The reason why my gums hurt like hell was because the root of the tooth was like half a centimeter away from a nerve in my mouth. We're looking into getting them removed. If my dentist can't do it, I'm going to get them surgically removed. Please knock me unconscious and then pull them out. What also sucks is that I'm getting them all pulled out separately. It's good that it won't affect band but 3 times to not look forward to. Anyways, I've been watching a good amount of JennaMarbles lately. Her humor isn't as amazing as some, but I give her parents props for doing it and making her because she's hot, slutty, and has a master's degree. I have a weird sort of respect for really hot, slutty, smart people. But not Hotforwords, I'm pretty sure she has a dick. No offense or anything....I also find it rather ironic that she's teaching Engleassshh when she's......Russian. Is she Russian? I dunno.....Ukraine? Oh well. So here's a list of people I'd theoretically bang. Repeatedly. Just kidding. And by the way, I probably wouldn't bang these people. (That's a lie...I'd definitely sleep with them.) It would be nice having that kind of a reputation, though I'm probably already labeled sluttymaroo by most Asian parents :P
1. Todd from barelypolitical. Aka Uri Kastrovich. I might throw in Amber Lee Ettinger and Lauren Francesca as well. Mmm barelypolitical.
2. Carrot top. You can see why.
3. Nicki Minaj in all outfits and hairstyles.
4. Muuuung Daaaaaaaal.
5. I'd probably bang a tiger to make a yellow tiger baby.
6. Larry King.
7. Lizzi Trumbore.
8. Choirboys. Any size, shape, ethnicity. And they must be pre pubescent.
9. Luna from f(x).....when she's blonde. While wearing fishnets and hitting high notes. Hot. I guess she could look like this as well.
10. Park Bom. She has to sing too.
11. And maybe (note the maybe) Nic while wearing something really slutty. ;P Like this.I'd ravish you in those nipple high trousers.
12. Last but ohoho, definitely not least, Lady Gaga during the time when people said she had a dick. I love controversies that deal with having dicks! If I ever become famous I hope people start those rumors. Not that I'm going to become famous.
Well, I'm done!
So my dad's back from Chiners. Yay.
Also, burritos and frozen yogurt don't mix.
That burrito was fucking delicious, by the way. I wish I could just regurgitate it whole and eat it again......
Is that weird?
Never mind.
Also.....the LLAMA ALPHABET! Aren't you surprised there isn't a My Little Llama Franchise?
Lastly, happy August! :D

Hand Sanitizer Part Dos and Why I'm NEVER Getting a Mammogram.

Something that all men/horny teenage boys wish they had. But.....it won't work. Unless you're a d-list whore. THAT'S ME! Just kidding.
If I don't teach Chinese or pursue other careers and become duh doctah, I'm really gonna invent this and make it mandatory for men so they can SUFFER.

So I forgot to mention the feelings that these 2 tiny bottles I've used this year have expressed! Oh yes. The first scent I used was called Island Nectar. How exotic. It was VERY exotic. In fact, it sort of did express new things, new EXOTIC things. In that case exotic doesn't really fit but it slightly ties in. I don't know. The smell was super cheerful and nice and also really EXOTIC like mentioned before so it kind of symbolized being new and freshmany and getting to know people that I slightly didn't want to get to know in the beginning but it was actually amazing getting to know them. Damn that was a long sentence.And it also represents getting to know and growing closer to Nic, even though I pretty much barely knew he existed before...August, even though I remember him trying on something spandexy a while back. How EXOTIC. I'm....going to stop saying exotic. It also represented getting used to change and also moving on. Aka dumping the deuce, if it makes anything clearer. Dumping the deuce sounds like a term to express someone making a bowel movement. Aheehur. The next scent wasn't very prominent. Everyone wears it so it just reminded me of nothing really. It's that Japanese Cherry Blossom crap that makes you smell like a hooker. I just remembered me dumping gobs of it onto my hands just to get rid of it so I could buy more pleasant smelling ones. But....it's still here and in my closet somewhere so I'm just going to forget about it and use the one that smells like a cinnamon bun. Yum.
So the next part is about MAMMOGRAMS. Mammograms are rather scary. I would hate getting checked out by a gynecologist and getting a mammogram. I also hope there aren't any male gynecologists out there because that's just wrong. Unless they were gay, than that'd be alright. I'd be pretty sad having a straight male look up my cooter. But mammograms.....oh my god. Putting your boobs between two metal slabs and applying.....pressure. Shudder. What if your boobs explode!? My mom told me about mammograms and I grabbed my tits in fear. Also, what does the fricking doctor do if you end up with weird looking boobs.....like they jut out and look smushed? Stupid mammogram..ists. This is why I am going to keep my tits nice and healthy with......lots of sunlight, water, and fertilizer. Nah, I'm actually not sure how you keep your boobs healthy. Maybe you exercise them like those creepy weightlifting butch women so you can move your boobs in different directions. What a turn on. I'm also going to keep my cooter healthy with a lot of awkward exercise. Like.....interpretive dancing and.....the BEND and SNAP. Oh baby.
So I'm guess I'm done with my worrying with mammograms. Hopefully my boobs will not get old and saggy without them.
And....NATALIE TRAN finally posted up a video, even though it may only last 42 seconds long. How am I supposed to love her again when she LEFT ME. What an unhealthy relationship.

Milky Moobies.

When I hear the word: sexcrazedoldcreepymofos, I automatically think of.....Ni-just kidding. I think of the BEACH BOYS. Sure, they may be legend...ary in the world of rock and roll but are you kidding me! They were overgrown Justin Biebery middle aged men that sang about cars, women, the beach, and women. Sure, I do have a wave of nostalgia flood over me as I listen to their Endless Summer CD but WHEN DO I DO THAT?! NEVERRR! You see, the Beatles sang about the same things....pretty much.....like women and drivin' cars and all that jazz, but they got more creative and sang about LSD infused walruses, digging ponies, and strawberry fields...forever. Also, no one knows the names of the members! John, Paul, George, and Ringo can distinctly stick out in a person's mind. Here's a little song I wrote that is in the essence of a beach boys songLook at those Hawaiian shirt donning hunks! Ahhh yeah.

*cough* AND IT BEGINS!
"Today I saw a sultry girl!
Her hair was in....curls?
I saw her at the beach in a bikini
I'm pretty sure she had a wieeeenie
WAAOOOOooooh WA WA OOOO
Trannies at the beach in the sand
Oh whoa when I see them THERE GOES MY SWEAT GUH-LAAAND!
Waa oooohhhh wa wa Oooooh "
I could go on. But I won't.
That's my rant on the Beachie Beach Boys.
Now I must change topics to Adele. This woman is totally rad. She has ginger biscuit hair and her CD is perfect for all women that have gone through a bad breakup. I wish she could stand at the foot of my bed and sing me to sleep. She has more class than Amy Winehouse. Since we're talking about singing, I shall discuss my chops. I am not a very skilled singer. I can sing......boy choir repetoire and I can sound decent if I sing a little below a whisper. If I sing above that, I sound positively terrible. I'm on key....but I suck. The only talent I really have that involves vocals is that I'm pretty good at singing foreign ranguage songs. I can master pronunciations for my K pop songs. Oohhhhhhh yeah.This was me in sixth grade.

Now I'm going to switch gears to Christopher Walken and William Shatner. These two men need a duet together. I saw this video of Christopher Walken and he was reading Poker Face.....I loved his interpretation of her Ohhh Wuh Ohh oh oh part. It sounded like a bored orgasm. And William Shatner....what a hunk!!!!!! WHO WOULDN'T WANT A DUET WITH THIS CANADIAN HUNK! Oh god and what if George Takei joined in for a trio......not for sex, fucking sicko.
Well, that was short. Since I'm running low on ideas...I'm going to talk about my elementary school teachers and I will give them accurate descriptions and I will try to guess about their personal lives.
Kindergarten: Shawni Henderson. She was pretty nice and inneresting. I think that she could be on Real Housewives of.....you pick. She seemed very mommyish and botoxy.
First Grade: Holmberg......FLARHGHHH what a megabitch. I'm pretty sure she was a stripper in her previous years of life. I think she possibly had a relationship with a Hugh Hefner imposter and then she found out he was a fake so she decided to impose her communistic ideas on innocent little first graders. Yup.
2nd grade: Ray O'Malley: An awesome partially bald middle aged man who could probably be an actor. I'm pretty sure he could've been in Dr. Who. He enjoyed writing science songs related to Simon and Garfunkel songs and every week he would come in dressed as a distant cousin of his...Mr O'my. Or O'MAI! or....I don't know.
3rd grade: Dave Parker. THE BEST FUCKING TEACHER THAT EVER LIVED. He constantly let us throw softballs at the speakers, let us watch game shows, and made up awesome raps about multiplication. He made multiplication seem badass and that has been my favorite math related thing ever. He also puts on great plays about dental health and is great at casting.....oh Lucas as a bailiff. Or whatever. We also pranked other classrooms and piled their chairs in front of the doors. What a megapimp with his khaki shorts, running shoes, fancy ties, and curly mullet. I'm pretty sure Mr. Parker was Jesus. Yup.
4th Grade: Dennis Servetter. He was a strict yet badass Jew with an earring and paragliding skills. I didn't exactly enjoy him but I did enjoy his knowledge on making them tater latkes. I'm guessing that in the old country, he was aquaintances with Adam Sandler and they went to the local synagogue together and had a conjoined barmitzvah.
5th grade: Last but HOHOHO definitely not least is the marvelous John Goodwin. He was a nice ol' white man with a tiny wrist and ankle and did a bunch of limping. He gave us an emotional talk about his disease. We all cried like babies. He also traveled in safaris and he looked like a raunchy young man from Toto. He was a great drawer of conquistadors and cityscapes. He also enjoyed making us recite poems. He is probably the most cultured man I have ever met. I'm pretty sure that he has traveled the world like Phileas Fogg and fought native american warriors with his bare hands. I'm also pretty sure he has had an assortment/army of wives, since he had a long flowing beard and wheaty hair.I think he was a bit more attractive then all of them. Oh well.

IT'S OVER!

101 Super Uses For Tampon Applicators!

Something that is old has been racking my brain. That, my friends is the ignorant blonde mademoiselle from UCLA. Honestly, what I think part of what she is saying kind of makes a point. Unfortunately, I find Asian people jabbering in the library pretty damn annoying. The thing is....she's being ignorant, e.g "TING TONG LING LONG CHING CHONG" and keeps on going "You're in AH-MUHR-ICA! herpderp!" "I'm an Ahmurrkin princesserz!" The other thing is......why must you spew out this video when you're in UCLA?! Really now. I'm not entirely sure how she got admitted but I'll guess she a) seduced whoever runs it or a) seduced whoever who is in charge of grades to giver her a 4.4444444444445 GPA. Though I agree that Asians yakking in the library is irritable, I'm glad UCLA kicked this ho out. At least her and her tits will have new beginnings in the porn industry! Ho hum!

Second of all, I would like to state the magnificentness of the Nyan cat and the Korean Rickroll.
The Nyan cat is unlike no other. It is a small, pixelated gray kitty cat with a pop tart body that is shitting out a rainbow as it soars across a galaxy to catchy music. That's all. And that's the beauty of it. Thank you, Nic. Second is "Itaewon Freedom" aka the Korean Rickroll. This exciting MV includes: poofy 80's haired Korean men prancing around Seoul/Itaewon, hitting on one foxy lady, and pelvic thrusting like no tomorrow. This video was introduced to me by the lovely Simon and Martina, two sekasee hipster Wasians who vlog about Kpop, food, officetels, and their fohawked green doggie.

I also want to rant about shifty Chinese food from shifty Chinese places. Though the food may look a brilliant crimson red color and is served with a bunch of sliced up onions, it very well MAY give you very explosive diarrhea. I swear I almost made a poopty pootaaay during the musical yesterday and smelled like a shitbarn. That didn't make sense, but it did in my brain. All I really have to say is......shifty Chinese food from shifty Chinese places = or maybe even > to shifty Mexican food from shifty Mexican places. And Japanese and Korean food? Nah. Those places are waaaay too sanitary to spill your guts out. Remember kids........if you get served food that resembles a mouse vagina......do- I mean..DON'T eat it. No matter how tempted you are. I've always wanted to know what a mouse vagina tasted like. Just kidding.Awwwww yeeee. Chicken head. Hen head.

Last and.....sort of the least is the marvelous Coachella music festival! A music festival in the boring general location of the boring Palm Springs...wear celebrities and common, unwashed folk breathe the same air, try to look "hipster", and listen and pretend to admire oddball fronted visual-kei bands. I sort of kid the third statement. More like oddball fronted a) adult-alternative b) art-punk c) really bad new wave d) Indie rock e) reggae grunge. I don't know about e, though I find that quite possible. Two things that generally irritate me about Coachella are: 1) The HUGE amount of people trying to dress as cracked out hipsters. They don't wear pants..aka the stds have eaten up their pants and are working on their shirts...ripped up potato sacks, hairbands that poof your hair, ankle converses, ugly rompers, chunky glasses, wilted daisies, tight pants, no pants, don't bathe for days, fedoras, bohemian skirts, nipple high trousers, tube socks, short shorts, fringed leather jackets, anything American Apparel or Urban Outfitters, ugly cardigans, crinkly rompers, salvation army stuff, vintage hearing aids, old marching band uniforms, fanny packs, plaid scarves, etc. Though I like many of these clothing choices and accessories, mostly fanny packs and nipple high trousers (oh bababy), I find it gross how people overdo it on this day. Please, inform me on more hipster clothing trends that I have missed. And as far as accessories go, you could be toting clunky headphones, huge lomography cameras (swoon I actually really love them).....or a really hot Asian or some other ethnic girlfriend who is a graphic designer and rocks out on upright bass. Or a matching drugged out hipster lady. I find it sort of sad that the definition of "hipster" is someone who finds nonconformity cool...and then here we have a ton of people conforming to look like them..so technically....the term "hipster" doesn't really make sense. Nonconformity is totally fine. I think it shouldn't be labeled, because really, everyone sort of has that element in them.......unless you're a bimbo, cheerleader, druggie. I understand. What weird is that I feel that I'm being sort of contradicting....Some of these clothing things are cool. And hipster......I think that word should be banned. The term is so pliable you could really give it 8234923757 definitions. Well this was really pointless. But I hope you sort of understand my point o' view.
And ohmyjizz. A CRAIGSLIST ASIAN GIRLFRIEND HIPSTER HOOKER. I just died. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/38889776.html

I'm done! I just ate some kind of Asian calzone and I'm gonna poop.

Kid Show/LSD Infused Dreams

Yesterday while I was extremely warm and sleeping and on meds, I had the weirdest dream ever. It wasn't one of those scary dreams I usually get, but this one was just plain creepy. It was slightly based on the Wiggles and Sesame Street, I presume.
So basically, everyone in band went somewhere in the middle of a really small desert town some place some where on the universe for a tournament. In the middle of this small town was this really weird colorful building and apparently it was some optical illusion gimmick tourist trap thing. So Ms. Webb, the charming dahling she is forces all of us to go there because we have a lot of time on our hands and she doesn't want us robbing banks and peeing everywhere.
At first, everyone is in some parking lot being bored and rolling around in sand dunes. Then I see Katie, Lucas, Naomi, and Alex go into the place, so I decide to follow along ten minutes after. Then, people decide to go in because they're afraid of inhaling more sand. Yum. Inside, the place is super weird. It's really colourful and looks like a set of the Wiggles. Except more LSD infused. I don't even know how it worked. It was magical. And bizarre. Our guide looked exactly like my Chinese teacher (with the bowl cut and salt and pepper hair) except she was white. And her assistant was one of Ms. Tanaka's TAs. The first weird optical illusion was everyone got some folded up shirt, had to wear it over their clothes, and within ten minutes, they would turn into another band member....one time, everyone turned into Abby. And real Abby was high or something, she was eating a cookie and kept on smacking people in the face with it. I don't even know why. And after 5 minutes of being someone else, you would eventually fade into your own self, but during that process, your face would be mixed in with the person that you got changed into. I guess it was like a polyjuice potion. But not really. The second thing was this wall with a bunch of dangerous steps on it made of huge legos, separated wood bars, etc. Next to the wall were a bunch of bars with feather dusters connected to them. Our guide/my Chinese teacher did a demo. She tested out all of the feather dusters UNTIL one actually tickled and made her laugh. Then, she walked up the dangerous steps on the wall, and we realized she didn't have legs. They were these weird robot legs made out of colorful plastic. So everyone tried out the feather dusters and walked up the steps with different legs. Weird.
The next thing was this weird fabric puzzle that resembled our scrim in the 4th movement of our field show except the pictures were colorful smiling caterpillars. Or the worms from Sesame Street. I'm pretty sure these worms haunted my dreams.
People used their minds to bring the puzzle together and then it changed color and burst into flames. Then while this magnificent process was going on, I'm pretty sure Skyler went gay for Dillon. I think he was resting his head on him and was babbling about the burst of color and beautifulness of the occuring scenario. Then, my mom barged into the room and told me to wake up, brush my teeth, and go to sleep.
I'm on drugs, I swear.*Cue Electric Feel by MGMT*
Seriously. If you want to feel the acid trip I felt in my dream, read this post and listen to Electric Feel. You will indeed feel my pain.