MENOMENA

I'm dying a slow but very sure death. AKA blood is exiting my body and whatthehell, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS A MONTHLY PROCESS! And IT'S JUST AS PAINFUL EVERY DAMN TIME! Okay, I'll stop now. I don't want people *coughhack* passing out as I spew out my feminine problems. Speaking of spew, it's happ-Just kidding! I won't go that far. But maybe I will. AND MAYBE I'LL RIP ALL OF YOUR GOD DAMN BUTTCHEEKS OFF! Pant. Pant. Pant. This is how bi polar I get. There really needs a cure to periods. Not even Tiger Balm can prevent it, and I'm pretty sure Tiger Balm can cure AIDS. If you don't know what Tiger Balm is, it's pretty much the Asian remedy for all problems. Mosquito bites, uh..... Oh well. It's still the remedy for all problems.
I'm so addicted to the website Free Rice. I don't even know why. I remember we used to play it because we were bored in 6th grade and Mrs. Cochran didn't feel like teaching. Now I spend at least an hour on it every day donating rice to children and becoming a smartass. Oh yeah. Do it! It's educational, funtertaining, and helps starving people! I felt so smart and was like "I'M POWNING ERRYONE!" until I realized I was on level one and there were 60 levels. I question if I'm actually Asian when these incidents happen on a daily basis.
Since the concept of hair has been brought it quite a few times this week due to a) Nic getting a sultry hair cut b) Rachel Trumbore making a 500 People Join and My Sister Lizzi MIGHT Get An Afro! I searched up "interesting haircuts". The results I got really concerned me and kind of made me wet my panties. I don't even know how to describe them. Well, the ones that made me puke with laughter the most (that sounds messy...) were....the face shaved into the back of the guy's head....and all the poodle haircuts to make them look like peacocks, bison, lions.......HAHA I felt so bad for those Sierra tastic poodles. They looked so sad. Oh and I can't leave out the hunky centaur man with the prominent Widow's peak and hearts shaved into his chest hair. *shudderOmar* Jizzy jizz jizz.
Last Friday when I was on a Japanese confection raid for Timmy's birthday, I stumbled over such a magnificent creation. Cheese flavored Kit Kats. Whatthefuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! Ew, imagine eating this gross cheesy stuff that has this chocolate consistency to it......ewwwww. It's like a dehydrated (sort of) version of those crackers you dip in cheese but this time it's sealed with gross cheese stuff and is between wafers! Yum, you kinky Japanese! Sigh, oh Japanese people, with their tenticle pornos and delicious cuisine. Someday, I wish to try this. But not really. Cheese is aged cow boob juice. Ew.
Another animal I obsess over is the Llama. And Alpaca. And Vicuna. All of those delicious, spitting, llama-ish mammals. Though the llama is freaking awesome and nifty, they should be considered phallic symbols. Look at the pictures below and you shall see. Llamas also remind of of Lucas Hoshino while he rocks out with his bassoon. This llama in particular reminds me of him when he makes his sex face. If you don't know what his sex face is, you should probably consult me.BEHOLD! LUCAS HOSHINO!
Last but not least, I have a question to the whole world and the limited viewers of my blog...What AM I going to do in China? Is YouTube really banned. Because if so.....I WON'T BE ABLE TO LISTEN TO MY DAILY DOSE OF K POP! *hyperventilates* I guess I'll find something to do besides that... Like knit a sweater. Or do pushups. And I can't even listen to a LITTLE bit of K pop since my Ipod broke after 4 hardy years. I'm not entirely sure if I'm getting a new one so it's MP3 player time. Wait, I don't even think we have one of those. o.oThis is what I'm going to turn into after China. Do you know what would be really cool? If all my friends came up to LAX to get me and then slow cheesy music plays and there's slo mo running and everyone touches me inappropriately in public. Mmm. I can dream, can't I?

Bye! I'm verbally constipated.

Unleashing My Inner Communist

If you noticed the word "Communist" in my title, be sure to whisper it, or the creepy ginger kid that high fived me for being a true blue communist is going to pop out of your closet, undie drawer, nearby dumpster, out of a unicorn and covered in blood and guts, etc. As cow is to mammal, Chinese person is to Communist. It is implied that I am going to China sometimes soon. And soon means June 19. On this trip...I'm the mother duck. With 2 children. One is 12 and one is 6. Are you kidding me. A 6 year old...if I lose him in the baggage claim, I'm just going to blame that on the 12 year old. I also really hope I don't end up going to Ulaan Batar or something, because me + airports= a jizzbox of frustration. I'll also be scared if the people give me a pat-down.....aka grope down and the lady "accidently" takes a hold of my dick and is like "Oh me grawwwd! This girl hash something dangrus store in ha pents!!" And then I'll have to explain that I am a transvestite and I'll have to pull out all the certifications and fun stuff.

So what am I going to do in China? Here's what I'm going to do.
1. Buy the strangest things I find, including Chinglish clothing and weird inventions.
2. Attempt to visit all my relatives, including my 1 prego cousin and my other cousin who has a baby, my Godmother, and my mom's creepy family friends who admired my butt the last time I went to Shanghai, which was when I was 7. Yup. It's okay though, they were women and plus in Chinese I think it's considered a good thing when people tell you you're getting chubbier and when they examine your derriere. I also have to visit Song Xiao Lai, my artist cousin and my K pop cousin, whose name I forgot. I also have to make a cardboard cut out of him and ship it to Nic's front door.
3. Go illegal DVD and CD hoarding. The DVDs and CDs will probably be really random, our family gets so much random shit from the vendors. For DVDs, we've gotten lots of Sex and the City (they were my dad's guity pleasure)...sadly, that's the only thing I remember. For CDs we've gotten Norah Jones, Arabic Jams, Chinese Reed Flute Music....etc. They tend to break within 1 month to 3 years. I plan on buying many K pop CDs and maybe some Brit Brit Spears, Cher, and Aaron Carter. Oh yeah. Chickachickaaaaaah. Aaron Carter is really creepy now, I just realizeed.
4. Video Chat with the low reeds! I really want to do that....they could chat at 4 PM and I could chat at 8 AM......we could all eat dinner and breakfast together.
5. Go to random and fun places and stuff my face. Who doesn't do that on vacation?
6. Try to buy instruments. I really want to get a bass or get my own bass clarinet. They'd probably be really crappy though but oh well!

Lastly, I'll probably be doing a lot of moping around and missing all my friends *cue the AAWWWWWWWWW* *coughack even if they won't miss me* Even though this is going to be the first summer out of a while where I've been gone for a while, this is going to be a good opportunity for me and there'll definitely be times to rape I mean "hang out" with each other after I come back. One thing I'm pretty pissed about is that I can't do Summer Band.....bleck...if I did, I'd only have 3 days. I'm coming back on the 19th......my parents actually listened to me! I'm actually staying for exactly a month! Not even 1 more day. Gotta love my parents. I expect after a weary car ride from LAX back to my house everyone throwing streamers and showering me with champagne. Just kidding.

Even though that would be really cool. Unless everyone broke into my house.

Mmmmm....Did somebody say K pop?

I ENJOY K POP! The guy bands are sort of fruity and kind of annoying so I stick with the bubbly, engrishy, kinky dancing girl groups. I WILL NOW RANK MY FAVORITE K POP GROUPS.
1. 2NE1......Is amazing. They can sing live and can speak decent English and they're from the hood. Plus the rapper has a pet hedgehog. How do I know this? Hours of internet stalking, my friends. Also, one of the people in the group (Sandara Park) has the coolest ponytails ever. They stick straight up in the air. I don't even know how that's possible. I need to try this.
2. Brown Eyed Girls. This band is comprised of 4 middle aged but super HOT women. That's pretty much it.
3. KARA. The band that broke up and got together again. They used to be hardcore gangsters but then they became all fluffy and pretty pony-esque. They like to trash rooms of men that they adore for fun. Goo Hara might also be the most ideal Asian I have ever seen.
4. SNSD. Mmmmmm SNSD. The band that started it all. The band who produces one syllable songs that get stuck in my head all the time. Yummy. The band with 9 hot jailbait would probably be a term people refer them as.
5. 4 Minute......I don't get it.....there are 5 people.....and if that new member Hyuna wasn't in it, all of their names would match. Wow. Plan ruiner. Jihyun, Sohyun, Gayoon, Jiyoon.....Hyuna.IT DOESN'T WORK.
6. T-ARA: I personally think they kind of suck and one of their songs sound like them repeatedly saying "fuck me" but who knows! And they portray Native Americans in a inapropro way.

There are tons of girl groups out there, but I probably haven't listened to them or listened to them as much as these young radies.
Even though I am an avid listener of the pop o' Korea, doesn't mean that I'm giving up my C pop dream. hoho, no I am not. I, Ping Ling Ling Beijing will take over the solar system with Sushi X, climbing the charts with the tofu song, Ni Hao Ma?, Ta Hao Ma? and a Justin Bieber rip off! Instead of My World, we're naming it. No, It's MY World.

After my C pop girl band career takes off, I'm going to start a solo career and perform in various cabarets in exchange for cheese graters and small Mexican boys named Pito. After that, I'm going to retire at the ripe age of 21 and start a small scale guinea pig farm and have a mistress. Preferably named Eunice.

I'm out of ideas.
Bye.

Gee Gee Gee Gee

Yes kids. This is the post where I talk about SNSD, the most overrated yet kinktastic group of jailbait that has randomly appeared in the k pop scene. With their colorful overalls, catchy dance moves, songs with one syllable titles, and Asian schoolgirl charm, they stole the hearts of many women, pedophiles, and white people. And when I say pedophile, that means me.
So here I shall start spreading my opinions of the 9 hot sluts in SNSD.
Number hwone *insert peace sign* is Taeyeon, the leader and the one with the sultry voice that doesn't even sound all high and pitchy like any other typical Asian singers. Her face kind of reminds me of Ellen, and it sort of scares me. She probably one of the couple of decent singers in this group, because all of them other girls are in for the smex appeal and whatnot. Plus SNSD stinks live. Not that I would know.
Second would be Jessica, the whitewashed one. Makes sense, because she's from America. She often dyes her hair blonde and I hate her voice more than anything. It's like a Tasmanian Devil on crack.
Third is Tiffany, the one who everyone drools over but I find her annoying and whitewashed as well. And yes, she's also from America.
This is the point when you might start confusing these girls together. But never fear! Natafee is here to spread knowledge.
Fourth is Seohyun! The one who isn't super hot but is cute and looks like a deer and can make her voice sultry.
Fifth is Yuri, the uber hot one who always has black hair and make me cream me panties. She is a box o' jizz.
Sixth is Yoona......the insanely annoying one whom erryone finds cute. But not really. She can't sing and is always doing the product placement stuff. Blargh.
Okay, I'm done with the 3 ladies that look the same.
Seventh is Sunny, aka Paul Hwang's love. She is cute and looks like a bunny. Paul Hwang was so inspired and intrigued by her beauty and made a sculpture of her face, but it turned out looking like Danny Devito. Or Nicolas Cage. Or both.
Eigth is Sooyoung. She is freakishly tall, has a lovely singing voice, and can 3 scoops of ice cream in a minute or so. She eats like a truck driver going through depression, yet she can maintain slender legs. Yummy.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST IS HYOYEON!!!!! Everyone thinks she looks like a man but she is so amazing. She has 14 piercings including a tongue piercing. She dances like a black woman and sings like one too. Whoever is her hairdresser should be fired. They dye her hair blonde and pin it up and she looks like an Asian blonde Marie Antoinette. People don't like her 'cause she doesn't look "Korean".........WE ALL LOOK THE SAME! SERIOUSLY PEOPLE!

Well, I'm done with SNSD. There are far many more good girl k pop bands than them, but they started it all. My reaction to the Gee video was "Whatthefuuuuck......." *rewatches about 5 times*.

Since I have nothing to talk about, I shall blog more about seksy K pop women.
YUM!

Yeahokaybye

Poop Soup

Reeeeeeeeee-uhrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Again, I am sitting and attempting to shit out some ideas on the toilet of verbal constipation. Brainstorming ideas even took me approximately 4 days. Sorry. I've been stressed out about Asian piano tests and even more Asian art presentations. Why am I apologizing (Do I even have people who read this???) when no one has visited this page for days, including me? Oh well.
The first issue I would like to address is who is the caretaker aka pimp aka master blaster of Neil/Neopet. Neopet is mine. He was mine before he got a girlfriend and a man lover. When I came out of my mother's womb, my first words were "A LANKY, SLUTTY BOY THREE YEARS OLDER THAN ME IS GOING TO BE MY PROPERTY". Alas, I have been reunited with my property! When I first bonded with him, I lifted my leg and urinated on him, the acidic pee scratching my initials into his left buttcheek. This is MY mark. He is mine. I control his brain. I can sell him to a sweatshop or to Hefner if I want. Why is he so successful in life? Me. Who got men stuffing dollar bills down his undies? Me. Who got him to star in Chinese pron comedies? Ni-I mean.....me. Duh. So don't mess with me. I'm the man behind the sekahsee hairy legs, Bieber hair, and charming boyish smile.This, my friends, is Mr. Neopet's glamour shot. Just kidding. I couldn't find a picture of him so I found one that was accurate. Look at those creamy thighs.
Another hot topic that has caused brouhaha in probably everyone's minds (or pants) is my strange, irratic behaviour with fruits. Today, I humped a bag of avocados. That is all. Some people judge. Haters be the hating. Life goes on, and I will continue humping bags of grapefruit or avocado. And maybe even bags of frozen shrimp and kettle corn. Who knows.
Also, another life goal has been completed! I bought my first pair of oxford shoes on eBay, which means I get to walk to school in sultry, 70's sitcom style. Now all I need is a pair of horn rimmed glasses and a swooshy pompadour to woo all of the ladies. Or, I just whip out my dick. I have recently tattooed the troll face on it, by the way. It is a major turn on to the internet/know your meme savvy people. Which also means that I have banged everyone on the world wide FREAKING web.
Baby bologna is on a list of foods that I want to try in my life. I mean, who doesn't want to eat baby sausages? When people say "You're so cute that I could eat you up" is pretty literal in this context. I've heard that the baby bologna is made with a bunch of preservatives but hey, tis hard to keep baby meat fresh, apparently it is insanely perishable. Also, people say that there are baby by-products in the bologna, some people have claimed they have eaten a baby pee pee. That's hazardous to your health, kids, but I'm still going to taste this foreign, European food trend baby bologna.
So you might've wondered how my women's day went. Well, first I went to the seamy downtown of Amsterdam, went to "cat" houses and raised some hell. I brought snazzy combat boots and leotards and bras to all of the hoes and then I taught them how to tame lions, ride motorcycles, and Irish riverdance. One of the hoes, Svetlana became an underwater basket weaving business woman. I am quite proud of her. After that, I made a cameo in America's Next Top Model and forced the ladies to eat Twinkies until they got curvy, hourglass figures like me. Unfortunateley, Tyra passed out when this happened and I'm not entirely sure what happened to her after that. But me, the curvy and sexy models AND the cross dresser Miss Jay ran across the Golden Gate Bridge while "I'm Coming Out" played in the background and we ran and high fived epically. Then, we all went out to have brunch and do hardcore pilates. I actually didn't do anything on my list. But, I did hurt a few men and went shirtless, also being running around scandalously in a yellow tee shirt, ahh yeahh. Miss Jay is a guy, if you people didn't notice.
Hoho. Last but not least would be the riveting discussion topic of boy choirs. Boy choirs, especially the ones from random places in Europe really get my motor going, if y'all know what I mean. They are so thick n' creamy, with crooning Justin Bieber voices. Yum. When our choir met the Arizon Boys' Choir I almost orgasmed. So many delicious young men in colorful attire with awkward smiles, underdeveloped bodies, and braces. And this, children, is why I got kicked out of choir. Just kidding. I quit because I quit. Choir got boring, and this voice is grammy worthy.You can see why I like them choirboys.
....No just kidding. I inveigled all of them thick n' creamy boys into a room and pinched their buttcheeks, and this is the story of how I got kicked out. Sad, but true. Who can't resist the gleaming butts of choirboys? Not I.

She Is the One Named Shairor Moooooon

Kids, the universal Asian girl show back in the day was in fact NOT Ni Hao Kai Lan. It is actually a tie between the super cheesy Chinese princess drama Huan Zhu Ge Ge and Sailor Moon. Except Huan Zhu Ge Ge was Chinese so I guess Sailor Moon was technically the life of all Asian girls back then, blowing Hello Kitty out of the water. Sailor Moon was pretty much pre pubescent but EXTREMELY well endowed girls who fought crime in short skirts and stilettos and were all named after planets. And like the yoosh, they were "normal children" by day and smexy, slutty crime fighting lassies by night. Oh yeah.

So let me educate the whole world on them, even though you could read wikipedia. And I'm not going to do the whole freaking cast. I'm just writing about them (all the sailor scouty womenish things). And maybe the irritating man as well. My interpretations are AMAZING though.
First off was Sailor Moon in her red while and blue ensemble. Her hair reminds me of linguine and apples and she was an annoying crybaby with crazy seduction powers. I found her insanely annoying and stupid but I respected her at the same time, which is kind of strange. Throughout the story, she gains many annoying titles and gets many makeovers.

Second was Sailor Venus, the orange one. I found her annoying, ditzy, boring and blond as well. I'm pretty sure she was probably jealous of Sailor Moon and her smexy rendezvous-s with her bohfraind and probably was his ho. She was a little smarter than Sailor Moon, but was sort of needy because every episode she was like "Mmmmm hey boys!!! *flutter eyelashes*" "I think I just dropped a pencil, aheehee! *bends down*" Just kidding about the second part......I think, but I wouldn't be surprised if that happened.

Third was Sailor Jupiter, the green one. I didn't remember much of her but I remembered she was quite badass with green baubles in her hair and liked beating people up and had lumberjack muscles. But she was all mushy too, like offering people rice balls and wanted to own some flower/cake shop? I dunno but she was one of my favorites. AND WHO DOESN'T LIKE HER COMBAT BOOT HIGH HEELS?!

Then there was Sailor Mars, the red one. She was another one of my favorites. Okay, the unblond ones were mostly my favorites, sort of. She was a feisty priestess in training who at first was like "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu sailor moon! I shall take your place as the leader! BWAHAHAHA!" Unfortunately that did not go down well and sadly she wasn't the leader. Aww. Who wouldn't have picked such a classy young lady to be the leader/princess of whatever?

Fourth was Sailor Mercury, the blue one. She was a bland tomboy who read a bunch of books and had a high IQ and had a blue lesbo haircut. Weirdly, she had no lesbo affairs with anyone throughout the series to my knowledge. She also went to the dark side for a little bit, and yes, the quiet ones usually go bad.

Ah yes! I must not forget the amaaaazing lesbo couple!! Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune, sighhh. I used to hate them and not understand why they were always together and embracing and whatnot but now I know. They're lesbians. Which makes them off the bat two of the amazingest characters in Sailor Moon. Sailor Uranus was the man in the relationship with her blond crew cut....but not really and Sailor Neptune had lovely flowing locks of teal hair. Sailor Neptune was a classy painter and artist and general and Uranus is a hardcore race car driver who enjoys flirting with women. In real life, she dresses like a classier Ellen Degeneres. People have often asked if Uranus was a hermaphrodite, but according to the creator, she is not. Darn.

Then there was Sailor Pluto, who was also insanely badass, sultry, and mysterious. She had dark green hair and a sultry black and white latex schoolgirl dress and made my panties get tied in a knot. She also had really cool powers. Like dead scream. How cutting edge.

After that there was Sailor Saturn. She wore dark dark blue and had a large scary stick. That's all I remembered. But she was my all time favorite. Yet I know the least about her. She also has fancy footwear.

Then there was the deucey tuxedo mask. He quite the womanizer and probably hit on all of the ladies except the lesbians because they're too good for him. He annoyed me and his constant mushiness with Sailor Moon was irritating. I would always be like "derrrr didn't he admit his love for her LAST episode *rips hair out*"

Then there was the extremely annoying Sailor Chibi Moon. Aka Sailor Mini Moon. She was preppy, dressed in all pink, and I wanted to punch her. She had weird powers like pink fluffy ponies or something or frozen puppy rainbows, etc. and would cry a lot.

Last would be sailor CHIBI CHIBI moon. Aka mini me of Chibi Moon. She was 2 or something and was a reddish pink ginger. Yay!

Then, there are a bunch of antagonists but who cares about them?! Plus, my fingers are dying. AND.......HERE IS THE SAILOR MOON THEME SONG, WOO!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6_RZhh44NY

I might've just orgasmed from nostalgia overload. Also, my friend and I really were obsessed about sailor moon. We tried drawing her, we made those v things that all of them wore on their foreheads with construction paper, we had cards and posters, and memorabilia. Good times.

Blue Footed Boobies

Did you know that whale dicks are 10 feet tall?! Jeezus! That means I'm a little over half a penis. That is one large penis. This is irregular....I thought one would be 4 or 5 feet, guess not. AND THIS IS AN OUTRAGE, FELLOW CITIZENS! MY PENIS LENGTH HAS BEEN BEATEN BY A COMMON MAMMAL! I am NO mammal! I am actually an arthropod. Whatever that is. So apparently about 8 or so whale dorks could fit in a football field. Who knew! Since we are on the pleasant topic on dicks, I would like to state that I can get myself pregnant. It's actually very simple, kids. You see, I actually have a vagina and a dick. Which means.......it's a fusion of asexual but actually sexual reproduction! Isn't that mind blowing? Okay, this is apparently what an arthropod is. I could've said worse. Like explosive diarrhea worse.

Okay, first topic of the day......lederhosen. I know, other UGLIER kinds of clothing are being brought back but come on! Lederhosen is a classic! Yum, those leather overalls/short shorts are quite the turn on. Don't save it for Oktoberfest....why not flaunt it? Lederhosen could be the new big thing...Glow in the dark lederhosen, leopard print lederhosen, see through lederhosen for all you hot sluts out there, and lederhosen swim wear. Oh baby baby. I would be such a great lederhosen designer, just churnin' them designs out for all those thick n' creamy boy choirs in Germany, mrrow. That reminds me of the time I saw the Arizona Boys Choir, and how they changed outfits like 5 times..sparkly pastel tuxes, sparkly vivid vests, red tuxes, and BAM! Those middle eastern headdress things. Me, as a naive, innocent, choir fraulein I got my panties tied in a knot. Mrrow! Take a chance to take a nice, long stare at this hunky hunk of a man and his bun hugging lederhosen.

I would also like to reinforce knowledge on Japanese toilets. Those things are creepy, especially the ones that are sumo faces that yodel and touch your knees while you're taking a shat. I think the purpose of those things are to MAKE you shit in the toilet or to cover up all the delicious noises that are going on. Oh god. Those things are like something that would come out of Silent Hill. Personally, I think I would cry and scream if those things got close to me and would jump into the next stall and jump into a person who's taking a dump's lap. And that would be awkward, unnecessarily intimate, AND gross. What if we both fell into the toilet? Yup.This is a small glimpse of what will knee rape you and push you off your damn toilet seat in the Shinjuku district. HOW WILL I POOP WITHOUT SINGING THE ABC'S AND GETTING REALLY SCARED BY SOMEONE ELSE'S YODELING?!

Last but ohohoho definitely no the least, I would like to address my opinion on suits made out of bacon and bras out made out of bacon. Why? It's like wearing flesh all over your body. No, you actually are wearing flesh on you're body. It's sick. It's lardy. And bacon bras? You will get no support in thinly sliced smoked meat! If you want dogs or redneck men to rape you, go on. And, who would like bacon to cover their privates? That would be gross and unsanitary! I am never looking at bacon in the same way again, but I'm still going to eat it, because it is really good. *cue the ode to bacon *And of course, an Asian couple woud have this for their wedding picture. Look at that cheongasmic cheongsam. If I ever do get married, notice the "ever do", I will most definitely replicate this picture, except I shall be the one lying sultrily on the stone bench in a bacon tux.

I'm going to eat pickles and peanut butter now, so sayonara, beetches.

Kid Show/LSD Infused Dreams

Yesterday while I was extremely warm and sleeping and on meds, I had the weirdest dream ever. It wasn't one of those scary dreams I usually get, but this one was just plain creepy. It was slightly based on the Wiggles and Sesame Street, I presume.
So basically, everyone in band went somewhere in the middle of a really small desert town some place some where on the universe for a tournament. In the middle of this small town was this really weird colorful building and apparently it was some optical illusion gimmick tourist trap thing. So Ms. Webb, the charming dahling she is forces all of us to go there because we have a lot of time on our hands and she doesn't want us robbing banks and peeing everywhere.
At first, everyone is in some parking lot being bored and rolling around in sand dunes. Then I see Katie, Lucas, Naomi, and Alex go into the place, so I decide to follow along ten minutes after. Then, people decide to go in because they're afraid of inhaling more sand. Yum. Inside, the place is super weird. It's really colourful and looks like a set of the Wiggles. Except more LSD infused. I don't even know how it worked. It was magical. And bizarre. Our guide looked exactly like my Chinese teacher (with the bowl cut and salt and pepper hair) except she was white. And her assistant was one of Ms. Tanaka's TAs. The first weird optical illusion was everyone got some folded up shirt, had to wear it over their clothes, and within ten minutes, they would turn into another band member....one time, everyone turned into Abby. And real Abby was high or something, she was eating a cookie and kept on smacking people in the face with it. I don't even know why. And after 5 minutes of being someone else, you would eventually fade into your own self, but during that process, your face would be mixed in with the person that you got changed into. I guess it was like a polyjuice potion. But not really. The second thing was this wall with a bunch of dangerous steps on it made of huge legos, separated wood bars, etc. Next to the wall were a bunch of bars with feather dusters connected to them. Our guide/my Chinese teacher did a demo. She tested out all of the feather dusters UNTIL one actually tickled and made her laugh. Then, she walked up the dangerous steps on the wall, and we realized she didn't have legs. They were these weird robot legs made out of colorful plastic. So everyone tried out the feather dusters and walked up the steps with different legs. Weird.
The next thing was this weird fabric puzzle that resembled our scrim in the 4th movement of our field show except the pictures were colorful smiling caterpillars. Or the worms from Sesame Street. I'm pretty sure these worms haunted my dreams.
People used their minds to bring the puzzle together and then it changed color and burst into flames. Then while this magnificent process was going on, I'm pretty sure Skyler went gay for Dillon. I think he was resting his head on him and was babbling about the burst of color and beautifulness of the occuring scenario. Then, my mom barged into the room and told me to wake up, brush my teeth, and go to sleep.
I'm on drugs, I swear.*Cue Electric Feel by MGMT*
Seriously. If you want to feel the acid trip I felt in my dream, read this post and listen to Electric Feel. You will indeed feel my pain.

Llamas in Pajamas

Today I went to school....I was warm and felt all weird and soft and I also felt like my breasts were going to explode. Rule of thumb when you're sick: Don't even THINK about going to school when you think your private parts are going to ex/im plode. Oh and did you know that I just adore the Jonas brothers? Larry, Moe, and.......amirite? ;P Unfortunately, I actually don't like them but I have to admit I enjoy K pop. A lot. But only the girl bands. Don't even think about questioning my lesbian tendencies. I think straight girls would go gay and gay guys would go straight for all the attractive women in the K pop industry, sadly. Oh wait. I do like something about the Jonas brothers! They have extremely prominent unibrows, mmm. You know how I get around the monobrowed men. But who wouldn't love the music of bubbly Asian girls jumping around in pastel attire giggling and doing the grapevine? I wouldn't......at least that's what I thought a year ago, but unfortunately the handsome Asian devil Paul Hwang turned me to the dark side. Since I can't find a picture of him, here's a lookalike of this hunk.
I would also like to talk about the overratedness of unicorns. Sure, unicorns are beautiful and almighty but GET OVER IT! THEY AREN'T REAL!!!!!! Narwhals are 80 times better than unicorns. Unicorns suck. The only time when they don't suck is when they poop marshmallows and jizz glitter. Unicorns are the epitome/representation of overly sheltered children that read way too many fairy tales. Which.....might've been me a few years ago.
Another things I would like to brush up on is......farts. FLAUNT YOUR FLATULENCE! I think the weirdest place to fart would probably be in a tanning bed.....Think about it. You're trapped in this tiny closed space, and your fart would spread around, suffocating you. And in a fridge. That would be weird too. Fart stoppers?
A date that is coming up real soon is MARCH 8th, which is internation women's day. I'm going to go bra-less, get a lesbian haircut, ride nude through the streets on a llama/horse/alpaca like Lady Godiva, punch men in the crotch, fatten up models with twinkies, turn porn stars into respectable, badass women, and swim in a pool filled with shirley temple substance? Why? I dunno, shirley temples are quite good.
The end.
Shown above is Natalie Zhang on women's day, gaily riding an alpaca through the crowded streets of cosmopolitan areas.